this is easy

ventilate

i keep pictures of my pain in the drawer next to me. it fuels my obsession. it fuels my grief.

but what is grief? it"s a secondary emotion to selfish loathing in my opinion.

what?

what did you say?

my grief is different?

listen little girl i found your grief so delightful in that i could feel and taste it and face it and oh my word touch it. i could bring it down in and outside of the depravities of skin and silk and what you called evil and good. i could do a lot, with your grief.

there is a shotgun, that you brought here, leveled to your head. it's not my hand that guides it. this is the spirit of all of you have ever done. all you ever will be. this is the condemnation of a thousand years of trying to right this wrong and the failure it has brought weighing down on your temple. just as a circular barrel that needs release.

all i ask is that you call off your lackeys. there is teth, he is a darling. if jason gets him he is done. then there is ariel. you don't know her though do you? she is the one with teth, the one that took him out of the underground to the northern tower. the pawn.

you didn't expect her?

don't wimper, it will only make it hurt more.

i only let them live when they saw me to let you know that i cared. and i do care, as much as this hurts. i have to show you what the knife can do to a person like me, or like you.

go to sleep, we will talk more tomorrow.

john casey

breathe in

the inflatable bed was the best worst idea.

breathe out

i find that a mellow drone is found out by a passionate groan.

letters from ellie

ventilate

and it was so.

rotten.

he always thought that i couldn't tell the difference. hell, he thought i couldn't make a contraction. ha to him.

i sit and i drink. it's sort of funny that way. i stopped drinking a long time ago when he put me here. i was being punished and felt i shouldn't feel any euphoria, even the fleeting one that comes with brief (oh so brief) intoxication. that ended quickly. then i started to drink. and i flew.

it flew in the sense that birds fly south. it flew in the sense the piss goes in the wind. it flew. fleeting just doesn't fit it. i got it, it went away, and not because of nature, but because of need.

every time i write you i end up talking about something else. seems funny. all i want to do is see how you are. hope you are well. i know you don't wish me as much.

and it ends again. she is at the door. i hope you are well.

damien was shot

breathe in

first post in years and i still can't figure out why i can't write

ventilate

there was a scream. in the tower that is not unusual. but the human voices were unsettling