fighting with shards of glass

breathe in

i heard a great concept on, of all places, ellen. yes i know that makes me even more gay than i care to admit, but damn that show is great. anyway. they were talking about things that you want to do in life. about goals. about doing things that you have always dreamed. one woman, a very intelligent and thought provoking woman, said that the first thing that she wanted to accomplish was to learn how to say no.

now we aren't talking about nancy reagan and tipper gore. we are talking about a normal no. the power to say no when someone asks you to, lets say, lend them 5 dollars when you don't have it, but you know they need it. to say no when you really mean it, when you really want to, and not feel guilty for refusing to do a good deed when in truth it may in fact hurt you or the person asking for the favor.

i said no tonight to going out to the bar, and my phone has not stopped ringing.

the gay movement complains that the general public sees us as sinners, as drunks, as addicts, but when i think of the peer pressure and the lifestyle that a large segment of the gay population lives, i have to agree. now, i know that i'm prone to self loathing, but i don't want to include myself in that group. i want to be an individual. i don't want to live at the bar.

the other day i was picked up at 10am to go to a bar when i really didn't want to go, when i honestly had better things to do. i went. i couldn't say no. but it made me reflect. do i want to end up one of these people. do i want to end up at the neighborhood tavern on any free day i have, getting shitfaced before half the world has had their first coffee break. i've honestly been there, and all it is is depressing.

breathe out

i need to start doing 'other' things. maybe i will start chatting online again, or maybe i'll do something else.

anyone want to be my personal trainer.

nebulize

conjure one - extraordinary ways