i just want to be loved... is that so wrong..

breathe in

sobriety post aside, i have this sneaking creepy suspicion that i am going to get bombed out of my gord tonight. call it intuition. call it divine intervention.

hell, call it i want to see j, s, c, b, p, and all the others and feel like i matter.

is it sad when all your friends work at a bar? i mean sure they serve you drinks, and only charge you half of the time so thats a bonus. but honestly i have a good time with those boys. they put a smile on my face before the blitz settles in and then keep it going. i don't think i end up closing the bar because of the booze, because honestly there are times when i don't have a drink for 2 hours. i think i stay there because i am going to miss that one magic moment when everything is perfect and we all look at each other and just say 'wow, it's been a good day'.

i miss feeling like that. i miss having that warm support. i miss playing nhl 99 and acting like i didn't know how to play and then kicking everyone's ass and winning the tourney. i miss diablo 2. i miss mirrorshades and broomsticks. i miss orgotek. i miss the dark symmetry. i miss chasing the dog out to the lake. i miss frankenkitty. i miss p's foot rubs. i miss mushroom pizza. i miss the carnivorous beanbag. i miss the 4-9 amusement hour. i miss the tower and the barrel of beer. i miss the sprinkler and the shopping cart. i miss poe on the roof. i miss elevators and head bumps. i miss four rooms and squares. i miss turtle blood and hair parties.

i think that i have wiped my past clean so many times that it comes rushing back with much more force as i get older. faces and regrets and downright lies stare at me and accuse and judge and belittle.

i want them all back, and i don't even know if that is possible.

so like i said... there is a pretty good chance that someone is getting schnockered tonight, and i'll give you one guess who that is.

addiction didn't create this alcoholic.

regret did.

breathe out

i want to be a popular blogger. i want someone to see my blog and go ' oh my god he is the smartest man alive, lets put his sperm in the smithsonian'.

actually i just want someone to link my blog to their website just to make me feel cool.

fuck - at least i'm honest!

breathe in

i had the coolest psuedo waking dream on the bus on the way to work today. i was listening to haunted and this vision of a really cool video came to me. i would put it in the ventilate posts, but its not really a story, more of a video for the song, and also a take on mark z's book. i envision as the song starts showing a guy driving a car, maybe like an old school chevelle, standard, a sort of primer greenish gray. in the passenger seat there are polaroid photos of houses, all sorts like on the disc for the album. when she starts singing, the camera actually goes into one of the pictures and shows a woman in a house. a little girl runs past her and she smiles. she is sort of cleaning or something and notices the little girl gone and a door where there wasn't one in the last shot, open and nothing but darkness. the camera goes into the door and pans out of a mans eye, and as we get the full shot he is enraged and screaming. this is the chorus now. the woman from before and this man are screaming at each other and throwing various keepsakes at each other. the little girl stares on while they obliviously argue, the camera closing in on her as the chorus ends, going into one of the black squares on her little dress. 2nd verse, camera pulls out of the black and back into the car. the guy in the car is driving slowly down a tree lined street, with a picture in his hand, he pulls up in front of the house from the photo and the camera zooms in the door. (and these shadows keep on changing). 2nd chorus you see the woman entering the door and running down an infinitely deep and dark corridor, supposedly yelling out the little girls name, running faster until she gets to a door and the bridge starts. she opens it to see her ?husband? sitting alone in the darkness, terrified. as she tries to approach he keeps scooting back in horror. (i will always miss you) at the climax of the song the darkness sweeps in all around him as he screams, sucking him in. she is sort of pushed back and the door is closed in front of her. she turns around, herself frightend for the 3rd verse. now the hallway is filled with doors. she frantically opens one after the other, looking in and seeing nothing. she finally emerges out in the house that begins to start shaking. (3rd chorus) the floorboards are bursting up, almost in claw shapes. she is avoiding them and looks up and sees her daughter in a closet sort of area. she runs over, avoiding the ruptures in the floor, grabs the girl and rushes out the front door, narrowly missing being hurt or grabbed by the house at all turns. she has her daughter in her arms and she is weeping as she steps out on the lawn, collapsing to her knees. the camera pans out to the guy in the car, holding a polaroid of the house which he has now set on fire, and throws out the window. the woman watches as the car drives away. song fade. ba da ba pa.

i know that was long but i had to write it all together or else it wouldn't flow right from my head.

just a cool thought for a 5 year old song.

nebulize

poe - haunted

the taste was sweet, and you delivered

breathe in

i feel so healthy when i don't drink. i know that's a great big captain obvious statement, but it is sort of true. my sobriety i think contributed to the awesome dream that i had last night. all i can say is it had something to do with the karshner triplets, the underside of some stadium bleachers and a ski mask. and i was just watching.

god i'm dirty.

breathe out

what in the hell happened on alias? my name is not michael vaughn? what in the fuck? that's an even better cliffhanger than sidney waking up in hong kong with three years of her life gone. i screamed out loud at the end. like a fucking little girl i did.

and lost. just a fucking pit or tunnel or something? the rest of it was cool. i like the fact that someone got blown the fuck up in the sfirst 10 minutes of the show, and they couldn't have chosen better than that whiney ass doctor.

it was a good night for quality television. people want a little more strangeness in their lives, some more surprises, and it shows by our current habits. people love lost, alias, desperate housewives. we are sick of reality, that is why we immerse ourselves in a story, whether it be a book, tv show, movie, porno, whatever.

nebulize

tircky - u don't wanna

choking on the words of wise men

breathe in

call me a dumbass, call me a slacker, but i just haven't posted in a while. i think its a combination of trimspa and depressed apathy. oh well. i spend my days wanting to quit this place, but then i can't imagbine what they would do without me. i spend my nights thinking of the ones that got away, the ones that i chased away, and all the ones inbetween. there is this darkness that comes about me this time of year, i don't really know why. i got drunk and blacked out for the first time in years. i fell down the stairs in our house.

i think its this time of year when he comes back, lurking at the back of my head.

i have tried to forgive him and tried to forget him. i have stripped his image of any greatness whatsoever and turned him over into the buffoon i always knew him to be. yet i see glimpses on sidewalks, and it sends everything spinning.

breathe out

i read that 60 minutes 2 has been cancelled for next season, with no report of dan rather going back to 48 hours or the real 60 minutes. i guess cbs is still punishing a good man for making a simple mistake, while praising all the truly evil men in the world nightly in convenient 3 minute time slots. its a sad day for mass media. a sad time period.

nebulize

tori - sweet dreams

lets propose a toast... to the thing that hurts the most

breathe in

i am sooo in trouble. i got way too drunk last night for the first part. the second part is that i made an ass out of myself last night. the third part is that i don't know why i am doing this......

nebulize

massive attack - teardrop
"you're totally in turmoil"

the action of inaction

breathe in

i have always been a forgiving person. i really think so at least. this weekend was no exception. in the past 2 days i have forgiven two people that i should have ripped out their testicles. actually one of them i still might, but that's another story.

on saturday he decided to come back. he told me that he missed me, that he made a mistake. he kissed me and i swooned.

on sunday another one decided to betray me, to make a fool out of me. i decided to forget about it, and to also hold it in the back of my heart waiting for the day that i can strike back.

but the important thing here is that he came back.

not even the big piece of shit has made me feel this way. makes me feel wanted. he makes me feel strangely fine.

and i love his kisses.

he won't let me call him my boyfriend yet. i know that sounds like stupid high school crap, but i haven't really been able to say that and be proud of it for a long time. and i would be proud. i would be more than happy.

anyone want to place bets on when the pessimisstic insecure psycho comes back? i give myself a week.

and c, you didn't call me yesterday you dirty rotten piece of cat poo. i will get you and your little dog too.

nebulize

sneaker pimps - becoming x

she cries your name

breathe in

just another lazy saturday at the old bump and grind. i really do like saturday's pretty much, this 8-4 thing is nice, and i don't like to go out on friday's anyway. plus i get 8 hours of peace and quiet without any interruptions.

god i have turned into one of those people.

i will say that this new situation has got me meeting a lot of new people that i could see devolping long term friendships with, like the j's and p. once i get to know them all better that is. there is still that trace of sketch lingering with them, but we'll see. i consider myself down to earth for the most part at least, and i think that they are seeing that.

except for the fact that i'm nuts.

oh well, i need to actually do some work

say hi to emma

nebulize

massive attack - teardrop

the glory and the wonder

breathe in

boy am i a slacker! for all of you that have been reading this faithfully you have noticed that recently i have been sort of anti posting. i am alive i've just been moving. so here is an update.

we are moved in, my room is actually clean and we have not yet killed each other, although today was a close one.

after hours parties until 3 am is not good for this boy all the time. especially on a school night. thank god tina didn't come over or i would soooo be in trouble.

**** c needs to call me ******

breathe out

my favorite website has decided that they are no longer going to offer ther funnest shirts because of a personal decision. fuck that. your customers have demands! i am an autistic kid and i fucking rock! i can't believe that they would do that to me. they even took away the coffee in the freezer shirt. fucking winey ass women and fucking crybaby conservatives got the best of the so called ' idon't care fuck you all' business man that runs the site. who cares if you have nasty hitler shirts. who cares if you love niger. suck my dick whoever strong armed him into taking down the shirts.

ESPECIALLY THE AUTISTIC SHIRT!

i guess i will have to make my own....hmmmm....

nebulize

lamb - darkness

sleep together

breathe in

i am such a lazy bastard. i am so far behind and i have a little under 48 hours to have my old apartment cleaned and done. this sucks. and then tonight hopefully i will be able to get a dresser from the people that gave me their bedroom. drug addicts are the nicest people.

speaking of drugs, i didn't think that it would be this way things would be. i expected people in and out of the house at all hours of the day and night. i expected more along the lines of yuppie white nose super stardom. what i got was a bunch of nice guys who seem like they would do anything for someone that shares a smile and an occasional bump.

oh well... its gonna be an adventure.

a world of pain

breathe in

this is taken from the blog blast radius here on blogger. funny funny shit!

The webcast of last Friday's Biology 1A lecture gets very interesting at timecode 48:50. I've transcribed Prof Rine's comments here, so you can see what a world of shit the thief is in:
"Thanks Gary. I have a message for one person in this audience - I'm sorry the rest of you have to sit through this. As you know, my computer was stolen in my last lecture. The thief apparently wanted to betray everybody's trust, and was after the exam.The thief was smart not to plug the computer into the campus network, but the thief was not smart enough to do three things: he was not smart enough to immediately remove Windows. I installed the same version of Windows on another computer - within fifteen minutes the people in Redmond Washington were very interested to know why it was that the same version of Windows was being signalled to them from two different computers.The thief also did not inactivate either the wireless card or the transponder that's in that computer. Within about an hour, there was a signal from various places on campus that's allowed us to track exactly where that computer went every time that it was turned on. I'm not particularly concerned about the computer. But the thief, who thought he was only stealing an exam, is presently - we think - is probably still in possession of three kinds of data, any one of which can send this man, this young boy, actually, to federal prison. Not a good place for a young boy to be.You are in possession of data from a hundred million dollar trial, sponsored by the NIH, for which I'm a consultant. This involves some of the largest companies on the planet, the NIH investigates these things through the FBI, they have been notified about this problem.You are in possession of trade secrets from a Fortune 1000 biotech company, the largest one in the country, which I consult for. The Federal Trade Communication is very interested in this. Federal Marshals are the people who handle that.You are in possession of proprietary data from a pre-public company planning an IPO. The Securities and Exchange Commission is very interested in this and I don't even know what branch of law enforcement they use.Your academic career is about to come to an end. You are facing very serious charges, with a probability of very serious time. At this point, there's very little that anybody can do for you. One thing that you can do for yourself is to somehow prove that the integrity of the data which you possess has not been corrupted or copied.Ironically, I am the only person on the planet that can come to your aid, because I am the only person that can tell whether the data that was on that computer are still on that computer. You will have to find a way of hoping that if you've copied anything that you can prove you only have one copy of whatever was made.I am tied up all this afternoon; I am out of town all of next week. You have until 11:55 to return the computer, and whatever copies you've made, to my office, because I'm the only hope you've got of staying out of deeper trouble than you or any student I've ever known has ever been in.I apologise to the rest of you for having to bring up this distasteful matter, but I will point out that we have a partial image of this person, we have two eyewitnesses, with the transponder data we're going to get this person."

nebulize

incubus - make yourself

the power of orange knickers

nebulize

the power of orange knickers
under my petticoat
the power of listening to what
you don't want me to know
can somebody tell me
who is this terrorist?
those girls that smile kindly
then rip your life to pieces
can somebody tell me now
am i alone with this?
this little pill in my hand
and with this secret kiss
am i alone in this?

a matter of complication
when you become a twist
for their latest drink
as their transitioning
can somebody tell me now
who is this terrorist?
this little pill in my hand
that keeps the pain living
can somebody tell me now
a way out of this?
that sacred pipe of redstone
can blow me out of this
kiss

the power of orange knickers
under my petticoat
the power of listening to what
you don't want me to know
shame shame time to leave me now
shame shame you've had your fun
shame shame for letting me think
that i would be the one
can somebody tell me now
who is this terrorist?
this little pill in my hand
oh there's a secret kiss
am i alone in this?
this kiss

tori

white smoke and the beast

breathe out

i almost fucking forgot! screw my relationship woes, we have a new bigoted pope! oh sure you people may not think he is a bigot, but when read between the lines i think the word 'hardliner' pretty much means a fucking german speaking jerry fallwell. on one hand, lets hope that he takes a better stance on the child molestation scandal, after all that's how you get bitter people like me. let's also hope that he does continue a humanitarian image of the church that john paul worked so hard to establish.

let us hope that his hatred toward me, and the judgements that the church has made against me and my community, will be put on a back burner in favor of the greater issues. there are worse things than falling in love.

to all those that i have talked to about this: i still think he's probably the beast. we'll see.....

"last time i checked he came to light the lamp for everyone"

nebulize

mother revoloution - tori

walking on shards of your eyes

breathe in

it happened again. i don't know what i do, or how i do it but it happened again. its alright though. really it is.

but i don't have anyone to go to tori with tonight and thats a fucking bummer. yup.

i just want to rant now tho. why is it that i am so eager to get involved, and so eager to give it all, and that i can't find it. i used to be them. i used to be free of constraint and happy with life as a vagabond. i want someone to hold me. i want someone to care.

i want someone to stick around for more than 2 weeks.

on a lighter note, still in the process of moving to my new house. anyone that is interested drop me a line and i will give you the grand tour.

that means you c.

nebulize

the power of orange knickers - tori

surprises and footnotes

breathe in

confusion. utter confusion. i don't know what to feel and i don't know what to say. last night he just showed up out of the blue, after i called 3 times with no response yesterday. he apologizes, and i see the light in his eyes. he knew that it made me happy.

it makes me happy to be around him.

it makes me happy to talk to him.

he told me that this week will be hard to get a hold of him, at least thats what i got between kisses.

is it bad that i just want to hold him? is it sad that i just want to be with him.

yes i can be clingy. some of you know that too well.

nebulize

tori - cars and guitars

welcoming smiles and backhands

breathe in

i hate autocomplete... hate it. when it comes to this at least.

i have been playing castlevania all day. circle of the moon is way too fucking hard and aria of sorrow is a close second. and walkthroughs are a joke.

enough with the geek stuff.

i don't think he likes me. i think that he is entertaining the idea, but i don't think he does.

damn.

nebulize

tricky - pumpkin

soft rock star

breathe in

it sure gets fucking lonely back here, but the first two hours of work actually went by pretty smooth. 1 lead an hour works for me. for those of you that don't know, i am in a new sort of dept at work where i work specifically on one account that has the potential to bring in 10 grand a month. that may seem like small potatoes, but to a small company of about 30 employees that is fucking fantastic. that will pay for 4 of us to work on this full time for as long as we want. and if the commissions start coming in.... ooo daddy.

in other news, this new thing has me just confused. it makes my stomach hurt. he says baby steps and i guess i have to agree, but i am not used to that at all. i know that he doesn't want to be hurt, and i don't want to be hurt either, but this is going to drive me crazy. i hate it that i give myself away so easily, but i guess i always have. some of you know that all too well. i did open up to him a lot on thursday, i told him of some of my pain, i told him that i can give limitless joy. i told him that i want him to be happy regardless. i hope that he is. i know that his kisses make me happy. he already has me figured out to the point where he knows that as much as i play apathy that i can be one jealous bitch.

at least he knows that i like him.

now that's out of the way, now on to the hard part.

breathe out

shameless plug - my new favorite saturday thing i'm sure will be sirens of song radio. love it love it love it love it. i love me some whiny bitch music! go to the site and check it out!

nebulize

joan osborne - st. theresa

boys on in the middle

breathe in

i got my tickets, and you don't got none cause your mom's on welfare nah nah nah nah nah
i still am so excited about tori. listened to her all day today. i need one of those desk chargers for my i pod so i can really get the setup going here at work. i listened to ireland and even liked it today. and witness.

c makes me happy. feeling strangely fine is sometimes a bad omen for me. he is complicated, and he is not telling me things about his past, which makes him that much hotter. plus he's a normal guy. like real normal. he likes cars and old school rock. no he doesn't have a mullet. he is like the template that i have been looking for.... or maybe i'm just blinded by his smile, and his eyes, and my own naivite. o well.

breathe out

let the man rest people!!!!! he's dead, he wanted to go quietly and the transition to go smoothly. he wasn't jesus, just another pawn of saul called paul, and if you read your history books you would know that.

i do think he should be sainted.

nebulize

juno reactor - god is god

no refunds, no exchanges

breathe in

i feel a little better today. although i definitely do not want to be here or doing this right now. oh well. it's a living. i have a small paycheck and the damn k does not work on this keyboard.

breathe out

ding dong the pope is dead. not that i'm overwhelmingly happy or anything, just thought that it's about time the man got some rest.

nebulize

lauren christy - burn

don rickles never had much on me

breathe in

am i allowed? am i good enough? is this e nough? am i enough? i think that all i can give is this.

nebulize

tori - the beekeeper

it's me and you and her and him and me

breathe in

i don't know what to say. i can smile and wonder what if, or i can just smile.

c is a good one.

wish i was.

peanuts and coconuts

breathe in

something i though i would share. correspondence.

"my words to ???? were 'tell ??? i'm sorry and that i'll talk to her later'....
i didn't think i was attacking and i'm sorry that it seemed that way.
this is ridiculous. we are both smart great people. why are we caught up in this drag queen drama.
yes i am inconsiderate.yes i am too proud.
i think life needs a five second rule sorta. drop it on the floor...blow it off and eat it anyway.
like an oreo.
i guess i can't fathom how i could hurt you so bad. i guess i did.
5 seconds two weeks... hmmm"