crawling through windowells

breathe in

so today i fought the good fight, the blood of my enemies on my hands and lips as i strode victoriously home through the winter chill, a smile on my face.

actually it was cold and my face had frozen into a smile resembling that creepy botox cat lady in new york.

sure, i was sent home from work for playing hookey yesterday, a days suspension my punishment for missing a day of work when i haven't even had so much of a black mark on my record. well, at least not for the past 4 months.

now, for those of you who are unindoctrinated in the fine art of the mental health day, let me give you some pointers. i call it

THE ROVE METHOD

1. the war on terror rule : when making up an excuse, make sure it is plausible but hard to authenticate. things like 'my grandmother died' can be researched by a vengeful coworker or nasty employer in only a matter of minutes online and can potentially cost you your job if they are proven to be false. for example, my excuse was a car accident on the way to work. yesterday i got a flat tire, then the spare blew out as well. sure i live within walking distance but it was butt cold. now that is technically a car accident, i just happened to add to the implication that there was another car involved by my omission of the circumstances behind the accident, which also leads to the next point.

2. the bush administration rule: do not go into detail about the circumstances unless asked, and even then be as vague and ambiguous as possible. to fix the dead grandmother problem above usually a simple change of syntax can cover your ass (i.e. dead grandmother becomes a death in the family). in my situation, i said it happened 5 minutes away from work, which is actually how long it takes to drive to work from my house so technically i gave up the location, but at the same time that gives me a good 12 block radius to work with in case questions come up later.

3. the wmd conspiracy rule: have an unrelated third party involved who can corraborrate your story while also absolving you of any wrongdoing. by using a 'patsy' unknown to your employer or co-workers as a witness there is an added level of credibility, yet still unverifiable by your potentional detractors and accusers. through, once again, ambiguous language, i suddenly wasn't the driver during said accident, but my roommate was. therefore any police involvement or documentation no longer is my responsibility and legally i have no right to take that paperwork to work to 'prove' my story. and in my situation i can always say that my roommate handed over the paperwork to their insurance company and didn't make copies.

and finally...

4. the rumsfeld rule: if even after following the preceding methods there still appears to be doubt on your intended audience DENY DENY DENY. Create a cloud of confusion supported by unrelated subjects and subtle jabs at their moral character that turns them from the agressor to the defender. use subtext to poke at their moral character, to capitalize on their fears and to ultimately cast enough doubt to make them even question why they were questioning you in the first place. this tactic can should only be used as a last resort for it requires a lot of follow up and makes your actual transgression appear paltry if your true intentions are uncovered.

hope that helps any potential truants in the audience.

questions? comments?

take it up with my press secretary.