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breathe in

so for the first time in a fewdays i can sort of breathe alright. i hate to be sick. i just hope that i gave it to enough people to justify my suffering.

dilemma for consideration:

i know i can't blame alcohol on everything, but i did a sort of stupid thing and now i don't know what to do about it. i mean, sure this isn't the first time i have been in this situation. sure, i could be an asshole but i'm on this whole anti betrayal kick right now, beekeeper and all. dammit i practice what tori preaches. anyway, i don't want a romantic connection with someone and i inadvertantly gave him the impression i did. there is someone else that lingers in my head, but thats a situation on hold. but the real gist of things here is that i am not interested in this person for anything more than friendship right now, sort of like what someone else said to me.

i'm trying to write this down but my head is swimming with situations and subtext and all sorts of other dirty s words.

its like the song: him and her and you and him and me

i think i'll just buy a bottle on the way home and curl up and watch welcome to sunny florida or something. my head hurts.

nebulize

how to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
how to defer to men in solve-able predicaments
how to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
how to have that not work and have them run away from you
how to keep people at arm's length and never get too close
how to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most
how to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
how to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone
how to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
how to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite
how to hate god when you're a pray-er and a spiritualist
how to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success
i've been doing research for years
i've been practicing my ass off
i've been training my whole life for this moment i swear to you
culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you
how to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
how to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
how to numb a la holic to avoid going within
how to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything
i'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
a course of a lifetime you'll never forget
i'll show you how to in eight easy steps
i'll show you how leadership looks when taught by the best
-alanis morissette