Thursday, March 31, 2005

peanuts and coconuts

breathe in

something i though i would share. correspondence.

"my words to ???? were 'tell ??? i'm sorry and that i'll talk to her later'....
i didn't think i was attacking and i'm sorry that it seemed that way.
this is ridiculous. we are both smart great people. why are we caught up in this drag queen drama.
yes i am inconsiderate.yes i am too proud.
i think life needs a five second rule sorta. drop it on the floor...blow it off and eat it anyway.
like an oreo.
i guess i can't fathom how i could hurt you so bad. i guess i did.
5 seconds two weeks... hmmm"

Sunday, March 27, 2005

criminalus mentalis ordis

breathe in

i have recently become obsessed with cults and religious theory. ok well that's a lie, i have always been intrigued by them. but i found one that really has sort of piqued my intrest. now those of you that are familiar with v:tm and all that stuff will probably think that the website is a bunch of fluff. but i was reading some of the articles and the mission statements of the individual orders and pylons and something struck me as honest. the website is www.xeper.org and it is quite interesting. now this is not an invitation to join the group, but it is something interesting to look at. their thoughts on anton levay are quite poignant. its when you get into the articles that it gets a little funky, and you read about some of the vague goals that you can only be party to once you pay their 80 dollar initiate fee. that makes it sound like scientology. oh well.

breathe out

i only have one thing to say about this morning

http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=458

sorry to s.... but he really needs to at least retire poor old man. like i've said before i don't question his good works and his intentions, i question the institution that has supported him. you know... there are a lot of paralells between the other religion on this page and his... makes me think.

ITS A CONSPIRACY! I KNEW IT!

oh well.

nebulize

radiohead - talk show host

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

i have been to sin city and all i got was frozen

breathe in

reach out.... read the divine comedy...

Sunday, March 20, 2005

fuck yeah!



sexy baby



reggin



yeehaw



show me your pussy

fucking cool

i'm cool as shit



ooo scary....

sodomy is intrusive

breathe out

http://www.familyresearchinst.org/FRR_04_03.html

after reading this i want to punch a fundamentalist. any of them. fucking sodomy is more damaging than child porn? give me a fucking break. these people say that they are 'family' oriented, but all they are doing is going after a section of the population that cherishes the concept of family above all else. sexual orientation is not just about sex. i know a few couples that don't even really have sex, or if they do it's no more frequent than an average married straight couple. i have been in a relationship where there was not very much sex involved. contrary to popular belief, its not always about the deep dickin and the tight asses. its about intamacy. its about love.

once again i sound like dr. phil on crack.

i just hate the fact that i have no rights as a human being because i find it emotionally impossible to fall in love with a woman in a romantic way. i hate it that there are people that have nothing better to do than to regulate everyone else's poonanny. i hate it that there are people here that, despite the benefits of modern society, want to return us to a puritanical state.

notice how the largest proponents of these hate worshippers are always sexually frustrated men and women who in their pasts probably show a pattern of repression and physical abuse by adults and peers.

actually i know someone like this personally. in his youth he was restricted by his parents, not allowed to go to any functions that weren't critically supervised by parents within their religous cult. the kids at school teased him for his modest dress and the fact that all of his clothes looked the same. his parents did not own a television. they participated in book burnings. in high school he was not allowed into any extra-curricular activities and if ever he was late coming home for any reason his parents beat him. he told me his mother had a wooden spoon that she would use to beat him with, and he had the welts to prove it. after school was over, he got a job with a construction company owned by someone in their religion. he still lived with his parents until he was 22. he had developed a drinking problem. he got his own place, and then the fun began. he started running with some white supremacists, and soon was hosting nightly boot parties. age 24 he was arrested for assault, went to prison, and when he got out he was a changed man, but not for the better. he became active in his religion again, and had moved back in with his parents. he studied to become a pastor, and even started dating someone. no one knew that he stumbled through life in a drunken haze. no one knew about his secret.

he told me this story over a series of phone calls. i met him on a gay chat line. i have never met him in person. he knew since he was 5 years old that he was gay. he had struggled and struggled and had tried to take his own life. he became a skinhead to punish others for his own sins just as his parents and peers had punished him throughout his life. hate breeds hate. at 30 he was just then beginning to put his life back together. i was the only one he could talk to because i didn't live near him and therefore i couldn't affect his immediate life.

he killed himself 3 years ago.

i found online about a year ago a skinhead website that still had his name as one of the founders of their little hate clique. it just made me sad. they said he died for the cause.

groups like this hurt families. they teach narrow mindedness and fear. teach is not the right word, they inflict.

i know i have rambled, and i'm damn sure that i'm no journalist. but i just needed to rant.

breathe in

plus i think i'm still drunk

Saturday, March 19, 2005

can't hardly breathe...

breathe in

penso che sia nella difficoltà grande. ho scopato in su stasera su uno dei nostri clienti più grandi e penso che stiano andando annullare. è tutto il mio difetto anche. ciò è italiana a proposito. così lascia l'opinione giusta, relativa fuori alla barra per me ancora stasera.

nebulize

fiona apple - mistake

Friday, March 18, 2005

a slow crushing feeling with a lemon twist

breathe in

today is destined to be a horrible day. it is written in the stars. i think i was shorted 100 on my paycheck. my i pod might be broken.

times like these i want to go back on my medication.

i think its story time.

breathe out

imagine a social setting. pick any that you like. fill it with acquaintances. not friends mind you, friends won't do for this type of story. this is a tragedy. the cast are all familiar. there is the loner, the pretty one, the outgoing one, the shy one, the girly one, the obnoxious one, the butch one, the new one. you've got it? good. their faces don't necessarily need to be recognizable, just like acquaintances in your own life. now just watch them interact. watch the seemingly mindless waltz of hihowareyou and howhaveyoubeen. him and you and her and me and you and him and we. it happens every night somewhere.

the outgoing one looks over to the girly one, while the pretty one pines over the loner. the obnoxious one somehow has bonded with the shy one, and all their fag hags sit in the corner with their hoop earrings and embarressingly tight tube tops and capri pants.

every night in the bar is the same, the patterns flow and ebb in the same ways. sometimes you are let down. sometimes you have the time of your life. but no matter where you are the faces are the same, their roles always played to a t.

i love you all, lets have another martini. who wants shots? sing and dance and do the shimmy.

glory glory to the great god dionysus. glory to me.

there is a bitter wine for sale. any takers?

can someone hold my hair?

the wheels turn and the midnight hour passes, the drunk ones have stumbled and gone home to sleep with the masses. they may forget your name, they may forget the time they put their hands down your pants, but they will remember the feeling of acceptance, the wonderful fluff of comfort.

let's do it again sometime.

what was your name again?

i have your number in my phone already, i'll be in touch.

being a part of something sometimes takes you further apart than you would like.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

revisionist history

breathe in

wow i was loopy last night. don't tell my work. i slept until 12:30, and for those of you keeping score that means i woke up 30 mins late for work. whoops.

but let me do a real review of the album track by track.

parasol- wow
sweet the sting - wow
the power of orange knickers - double wow
jamaica inn - double wow
barons of suburbia - wow
sleeps with butterflies - hella wow
general joy - wow
mother revoloution - wow
ribbons undone - wow
cars and guitars - wow
witness - eh...
original sinsuality - eh....
ireland - eh...
the beekeeper - wow
martha's foolish ginger - eh
hoochie woman - holy wow
goodbye picses - crapola wow
marys of the sea - yummy wow
toast - bangbam wow
garlands - wow

so there you have it. fucking wow is all i have to say. if you disagree well you can go eat the peanuts out of my shit because i just don't care. april 19th is way too far away for my liking, but i can't wait to see her.

breathe out

robert blake was acquitted yesterday. i wanted to write something about it but dollar drinks and the hottie bartender at the wrangler took precedence. was there any doubt that he was innocent? i followed the trial a bit, if for nothing more than a glimpse into pop culture. it amazes me how people are transfixed by seemingly mundane events that are tinted with celebrity contact. if joe hoodrat was on trial for murder you might get 2 paragraphs on page 19, but you would never really hear it again. oh well.

that sucked more later

nebulize

tori - goodbye to picses

the truth about cats and dogs

breathe in

so i have read a whole bunch of scathing reviews of the beekeeper. here is mine.

breathe out

parasol - i heard your voice... i heard you scream... yet still you lie

the power of orange knickers - smile while you do it

jamaica inn- i'm a pirate...arghh

sleeps with butterflies- rain down justice

general joy - she looks nice, i thought it was for me

cars and guitars - shift.. oh god please shift

hoochie woman - you and me and her and me and him and me and you

goodbye to pieces - oh crap

toast - goodbye to pieces

and that is my brilliant review to be followed by an evil retraction

Sunday, March 13, 2005

sickly sweet memories of you

ventilate

there was a hush in the council chambers as he sat down. this was to be the culmination of seven years of deliberations and tribulations, the end of seven years of politicking and lies.

and as he clears his throat, it begins.

"we have always held this council in high regard. we have always given guidance to this council when necessary, shaping the nations with reverence toward the divine will that flows through us. we have tried. you have failed.

there was a stunned silence throughout the councillors, the only sound the fidgeting of bodies and the shuffle of paperwork.

"we have found that all of your efforts to stop the insugents, the three minor insurgents that we have asked for from the beginning, these efforts have not been sufficient in our eyes nor those of the powers that guide our hands. the divine will has instructed us to personally take care of this problem.

"as below, so above.

a sudden rush of armed men, dressed in black with steel plates covering their faces, invades the room grabbing each councillor by the neck, the arm, the hair, whatever is available.

"we apologise for the inconvenience, but failure extracts a heavy price. it was a pleasure to work with you all.

the executions began within three minutes.

i never thought that i would be retelling that tale to you now, that it would be something of so much importance in our history. i never thought that his crimes would become heroic, nor his mandates and edicts so integral to our way of life.

i never thought that it would go this far.

you came in search of the truth. you came here to learn about what has come to pass, regardless of the book and the knife.

six days later, an edict was issued and carried out throughout the adriatic territories. military rule had been issued and all traces of a rebellion were to be crushed with lethal forces. i remember looking out the window at the bonfires in central park, the screaming of the children, the beat of the wild drums. it reminded me of my war, so long ago. our war.

i know that everything comes full circle, that everything has a reason.

when i sat in the council chamber and watched all my works go to waste, watch my brethren hunted down like dogs all in the name of divine progress, i think that was the second time in my existence that i have wept. i saw raphael dismembered, his limbs fed to the iron clad dogs that the he kept for protection. i saw michael exsanguinated, i saw uriel skinned. they took the punishments of the poets and they enacted them on all of my kindred. actually, one of your poets put it rather nicely. i saw fear in a handful of dust.

of course they couldn't destroy us, and we only let them think so because we thought that it suited the ultimate end, the one that we had been praying for since the beginning. i had this glorious thought of the beasts falling into the pit, of an anger subsiding, of seeing the light once again.

the carnage was beautiful. that is why i wept.

i go on though. would you like more scotch? it will relax you. maybe enough to where you will stop levelling that damned shotgun at my forehead.

nebulize

machines of loving grace - last

Saturday, March 12, 2005

catholics and other heretics, sign here for free cheese!

breathe in

so for the first time in a fewdays i can sort of breathe alright. i hate to be sick. i just hope that i gave it to enough people to justify my suffering.

dilemma for consideration:

i know i can't blame alcohol on everything, but i did a sort of stupid thing and now i don't know what to do about it. i mean, sure this isn't the first time i have been in this situation. sure, i could be an asshole but i'm on this whole anti betrayal kick right now, beekeeper and all. dammit i practice what tori preaches. anyway, i don't want a romantic connection with someone and i inadvertantly gave him the impression i did. there is someone else that lingers in my head, but thats a situation on hold. but the real gist of things here is that i am not interested in this person for anything more than friendship right now, sort of like what someone else said to me.

i'm trying to write this down but my head is swimming with situations and subtext and all sorts of other dirty s words.

its like the song: him and her and you and him and me

i think i'll just buy a bottle on the way home and curl up and watch welcome to sunny florida or something. my head hurts.

nebulize

how to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
how to defer to men in solve-able predicaments
how to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
how to have that not work and have them run away from you
how to keep people at arm's length and never get too close
how to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most
how to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
how to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone
how to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
how to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite
how to hate god when you're a pray-er and a spiritualist
how to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success
i've been doing research for years
i've been practicing my ass off
i've been training my whole life for this moment i swear to you
culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you
how to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
how to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
how to numb a la holic to avoid going within
how to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything
i'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
a course of a lifetime you'll never forget
i'll show you how to in eight easy steps
i'll show you how leadership looks when taught by the best
-alanis morissette

Friday, March 11, 2005

breathe in

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

cooking eggs in hell's kitchen

breathe in

there is this thing living in my chest and it is about ready to drive me insane. i cannot stop coughing, i feel like hell. my head feels like a big balloon. bitch bitch moan. i shouldn't be at work but i have used all my get out of jail free cards. i feel as if i may have a fever but i'm not sure.

this sucks.

in response. i still think i'm a speed bump. but that just may be because i feel like one right now.

and i didn't mean that type of bear cub.

breathe out

i've been looking at other blogs lately, just to see what other people do. i've seen one that was a record of a persons house repairs. i've seen another about an annoying roommate. altogether, i figure that this effort isn't any different.

nebulize

tori - angels

Sunday, March 06, 2005

safe in my frame

breathe in

i think the words only come when i have a blood alcohol contend of at least .05. i mean, the examples in history are there. charles bukowski, earnest hemingway, tenessee williams, edgar allen poe all drunks. sure i don't have proof, maybe except for bukowski, but i think that you have to be an alcoholic to tap into that wellspring of emotion where all the stories come from.

so i'm saying to all of you that read the fiction. it's coming. i just have to get really liquored up.

i'll be the only one you can't betray

breathe in

it is awfully glorious to be a bastard. i take pride in the fact that i can harbor the cruellest of thoughts and not give a shit about any of you. i can and i will betray you. its inevitable. but i am up front about it, and i don't hide it in any way. so you are the only one to blame if i get the better of you. you are the only one to blame when the day comes that i am the only one there to talk you down from that ledge. while you fall know that it was always your fault, and i never said that i would save you.

know that this is not said as a warning. i don't care about any sort of warning. i am merely stating the facts.

i realise that most of you can't deal with facts. most of you wrap yourselves up in the lie that is reality and create illusions that you are some sort of saint, some sort of glorious wonder whom the world should worship as holy. i've seen martyrs, i've seen saints. they're all dead so they really aren't relevant anymore. and even alive no one really noticed them anyway.

if you want to be truly holy you have to die. that's how jesus did it.

i don't say these things to deliberately offend. i say these things because they are simple truths, things which i have come to understand through barbed wire and broken glass and the words that he left me with.

you call me jaded, i say enlightened. you call me bitter, i say empowered. you say bastard, i agree.

breathe out

they are going to repeal don't ask don't tell and lift the ban on gays in the military. well there goes the forbidden mystery to one of the biggest gay fetishes of all time. with gays being accepted, no more will it be so risque to fuck that nice little so called marine you met at the bar two nights ago. no longer will the boy with the dog tags be admired for his bravery while dancing in a jock strap on top of a speaker. alas, its the end of an era.

the only thing that won't change are the dykes. everyone always knew that all the girl in the military chow box. its a fact. no mystery at all there.

nebulize

tori - parasol

Thursday, March 03, 2005

galileo

breathe in

i just figured out that i don't own any nice clothes. i mean, i can dress nice if i want to, but nothing that would be suitable for something that is not considered business casual. maybe with my tax money i should buy some nice clothes, like tailored stuff.

nah i'm too fat.

that's why i don't wear nice clothes, because no matter how nice they are i still look like a cow. i'm a fatass lets face it. but then again i'm too fucking lazy to get off my ass and work out. so i guess i'm at an impasse here.

breathe out

just like the song i start to think about reincarnation. unfortunately i didn't have a couple of beers so my insights might not be so profound. i start to think about the journey of the hypothetical soul, the cyclical changing of the seasons. i start to think about where i am in the cycle of things.

i look at others, those whose lives have been fulfilled in some way either by love or companionship, some sort of reasoning for existence. maybe i am just nihilistic, but i honestly don't think that there is a point to my personal journey. maybe i am here as a bump in the road to prospective saints, an obstacle of pessimism sent to deliver them from the evils of hope and opportunity. i seek to drag you all down with me until the world is reduced to the primal goo that we all came from. at least then we would all be equal. and we wouldn't need rent control.

maybe next time i'll get to be a cute fuzzy bear cub.

i'd probably get shot in the ass.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

looking past the reflecting pools me and you

breathe in

i don't know what to feel right now. once again a hard subject for me to breach. loss. i lose something more of myself everyday and i don't know how to stop it. i lose people. i lose memories.

and i don't think i feel anything

she was so important, yet i can't remember why. she was wonderful and i don't even think that i even realised her potential.

i am so callous. or maybe i'm angry. or maybe i'm not just right.

nebulize

tori - gold dust