fighting with shards of glass

breathe in

i heard a great concept on, of all places, ellen. yes i know that makes me even more gay than i care to admit, but damn that show is great. anyway. they were talking about things that you want to do in life. about goals. about doing things that you have always dreamed. one woman, a very intelligent and thought provoking woman, said that the first thing that she wanted to accomplish was to learn how to say no.

now we aren't talking about nancy reagan and tipper gore. we are talking about a normal no. the power to say no when someone asks you to, lets say, lend them 5 dollars when you don't have it, but you know they need it. to say no when you really mean it, when you really want to, and not feel guilty for refusing to do a good deed when in truth it may in fact hurt you or the person asking for the favor.

i said no tonight to going out to the bar, and my phone has not stopped ringing.

the gay movement complains that the general public sees us as sinners, as drunks, as addicts, but when i think of the peer pressure and the lifestyle that a large segment of the gay population lives, i have to agree. now, i know that i'm prone to self loathing, but i don't want to include myself in that group. i want to be an individual. i don't want to live at the bar.

the other day i was picked up at 10am to go to a bar when i really didn't want to go, when i honestly had better things to do. i went. i couldn't say no. but it made me reflect. do i want to end up one of these people. do i want to end up at the neighborhood tavern on any free day i have, getting shitfaced before half the world has had their first coffee break. i've honestly been there, and all it is is depressing.

breathe out

i need to start doing 'other' things. maybe i will start chatting online again, or maybe i'll do something else.

anyone want to be my personal trainer.

nebulize

conjure one - extraordinary ways

proud to be without a color

breathe in

all over the news, all over the television, all over the streets, all i saw was pink. pink scarves, pink shirts, pink socks, pink wigs. and gay pride was months ago.

today was the race for the cure here in the mile high city, a festival of estrogen and self-appreciation for a select community of the downtrodden similar in celebration to the cinco de mayo festival, oktoberfest, the american idol tryouts, and, dare i say, gay pride. when a group of people, no matter how good their intentions, choose to market themselves as icons of supreme do-good-ness, somehow it just seems to sicken and sadden me.

yes, breast cancer is a horrible and fucked up thing, ruining families, communities, and individual lives to boot. we all understand that. and yes, we know that it's a battle best fought with donations and fund raisers, such as the traffic stopping fuck up i saw today. i guess what really gets me are just a few things. where was the non-stop local coverage of aidswalk? where were the legions of reporters at the pride festival? where was the coverage for the stem cell rally at the capital a few weeks ago? where, in fact, is the testicular cancer walk, or the prostate cancer walk, or the 'there are 14 homeless people dying if not dead under any random viaduct next to the platte river' walk. what it all amounts to, to me, is just a bunch of over-educated and boastful career housewives striving desperately to show that somehow in the big scheme of things that they make a difference.

and it pisses me off.

i recognize that breast cancer is a horrible terrible fucked up thing, but i also realize that most of these people are people that are well off enough to pay for their treatments, for their diagnosis, when i have know people with hep c to quietly rot in the alley because of unpaid medical bills.

if everyone that walked today walked up to their nearest shelter, their nearest blood bank, their nearest homeless center, maybe then i would think better of this.

of course this comes from me, who doesn't do anything. at least i don't pretend i'm good. after all evil people usually are just ineffectual and harmless. and i intend to stay that way.

breathe out

i should start doing this more again... makes me feel better.... now i'm ready to tie one on... muhahaha...

nebulize

skunk anansie - glorious pop song