venomous diamonds

ventilate

they heard the train in the distance, smelled the toxicity of its smoke, felt the rumble of steel against steele against wind shaking their knees. there was a fog, that morning fog that makes your stomach do loops in anticipation of the light that dispels, the light that heals. a midmorning fog, like liquid diamonds, a hazy crystalline rainbow of color and shadow. and behind the lingering voices of the arcology, the merchants, prophets and militants that trailed them, and eventually pursued them.

jonas stopped.

to my kind reader, i note this occasion. there are moments that shine like blazing beacons in the empty hallways of history, that live on in the collective memory in the form of legend and myth. some sing songs of deeds so gallant, or so heinous. those moments creep into the deepest dreams of sweet lovers lost, or conversely into the thousand blackened fangs of the darkest terror. they become spoken word handed down attached to names of power like achilles or tepes. somehow the overwhelming glory of that moment, that place, touches upon all moments, all places, and rings through the spaces between, a sort of subtle vibration between worlds. felt by all and recognized by few.

there was a mark made when jonas spoke that day. the others stopped and hearing this cocked their heads as a dog to the sounds of the dead. as he spoke his eyes shone like polished glass, reflective yet revealing.

i could repeat the words, but their power would be lost, the occasion rent asunder by grammar and assumption. to some they were beautiful, and will be found in gospels and hymns after the stigma of his deed comes to pass.

but as he spoke, from somewhere above them a sound like a horn blew through the horizon. around them the trembling earth began to lose solidarity. a rumble, the approach of a train. Ariel clung to Tethriel, her head rested on his shoulder in a pose of comfort and fear, a rampart against the gale force of what was to come. the others huddled frightened, awed and terrified by the gravity of the word, and of the forces that consumed them.

"a wise leader said once that when you are suffering, know that i have betrayed you. i don't think that's half wrong." his face contorted then into an almost scowl, the words seeming a pain to say.

that's when judith ran, and, at that moment, jonas went quite mad.

dreams of a lonely man

ventilate

this tower is falling...

i hear the eaves breaking down, pillars and foundations floundering. of course, its nothing really. nothing really happens. like michael tells me it's all in my head. imagination. fantasy.

then there is a groan, a sigh of wood and steele. it is a hollow sound, layered with the stress of the centuries, a transition of light and pain. It is a quiet thing.

She told me yesterday that she didn't need me.

It was a cold night and we, staring at the sunst somewhere over that Cormanian boundary, were discussing today, tomorrow, time and its final designations. There was such force behind the words, the tails of g's and the dots on j's stinging my cheeks, x's leaving red brands on my chest, a v imprinted on my heart. her name isn't even lettered that way. i tried to fend them off with b's and d's and so much to divert the blows that the curves of s's couldn't stop, only to leave a black and broken husk, only a pile of worthless e's comfort in the storm.

*dcj*

return to reality

breathe in

so, as some of you may know thanks to a certain jackass among other things, i have been away for a while. it wasn't pleasant. it wasn't nice. but i'm alive and that's what counts. there are so many times that i wish that i could have done a little update, but it just wasn't that convenient considering the situation. i'm not going to give it all away right now, i'll leave those of you that don't know in the dark a bit longer. suffice it to say that it's good to be home, although there are a few things that need to be said.

breathe out

i have been home for three days. three days and i still walk around like i am a guest. today i finally said fuck it and set up camp in the living room and i've been fucking around on the computer just for shits. sure s doesn't care, the other one might, and the other one doesn't really matter since he hasn't paid rent in 2 months. that's right folks, i've been paying double rent due to my unique situation for the past 77 days and lazy fuck has been using my net connection, my food and my house to lounge around for a free ride. sure i was a lowlife unemployed sap for 4 months myself, but i made sure rent was paid. so someone is going to have to die. that's all there is to it.

breathe in

i have bunches of new fiction that should be coming soon, probably tomorrow night will be at least the first installment, and i'll also give you my first installment of my new ten part series. i'm not ready i guess to talk about the last 3 months, so those of you not in the know will just have to wait.

nebulize

prodigy - spitfire

lucifer

breathe in


lucifer rocks... thought i would share this....

ruby slippers

ventilate


she remembers wearing red shoes. her ruby slippers as she has come to think of them these days. after all they are what sent her home. they are what took her away from the fantastic and cast her back in the world of black and white, back in the world that she only missed once she was away. as she straps them on tonight, as she straightens her stockings, as she makes sure that the last touches on her face are holding up perfect, as she loads her shotguns, her mind goes to his face. she wonders where he is now, what part of the horizon that he still needs to touch in his endless journey to find a place in this world. she wonders if he thinks of her while he wanders between twilights, in the darklights, in the whitelights. with a smack of her lips and a tug of her skirt she slings the guns over her shoulders and begins the 515 steps back into a world of color and all the greys that go between.

there is a corner in a city, the towers that sit there overlook unnatural greenery that seems to stretch like a verdant sea whose shores are lined with spires and glittering windows. this is a corner of envy and greed, of hope and faith. there is a vacant storefront, a blank marquee lined by green stars the only remnant of its last incarnation. considered an eyesore to some it stands as a grim reminder of the unchangable truth of the one city. decay. most tend to forget its presence, tend to overlook the eyesore in uptown. that may be why the woman with the twin shotguns walks unnoticed out of the taxi that idles on the curb, and no one notices the severed arm of a young man that only stopped to give a pretty girl a ride.
she takes her first step.

she steps through the plate glass, its solidity fading for but a moment as she walks closer. 20 steps down. inside are the remains of broken bar stools and tables, rat feces and cardboard. here and there is the sound of the chittering, the rats paying homage to the godess in the black dress as she makes her way toward the back.

20 more steps and there is the door. from somewhere beyond there is a light and music softly playing, maybe kate bush or tori amos screaming about the rape of the mystic, the ignorance of the devine. somewhere there is a shriek of pain followed by a bellow of pleasure. she pauses and listens to the symphony of decay, the cacaphony of the divine. she thinks once more of the ruby slippers. will glinda wait behind that door?

67 more steps and there is a stairway covered in a film of dust and filth. a skelatal hand rests at the foot, a beckoning finger inviting all to step forward. there is no banister. from the walls faces sneer from the rose colored patterns.

12 more steps, what a magic number. there is a landing with a window, the window overlooking the street. a crowd of people sit in an alley, betting their lives on the roll of the dice. their eyes are hollow, their souls spinning restlessly above their heads praying for escape. after all this is the one city. no one wants to stay lest they become apart of the eternity of it.

23 more steps another corridor. doors line the debris strewn wood floor more rats silently praying to the rat god that this girl thing has not come for them, is not their end. she nods at each with reverence, knowing they are her only allies in these hallowed halls that lead her farther into and away from the one city.

over the next 56 steps she glances into each door where scenes from the city play themselves out to her, tempting and beckoning. she sees two pairs of eyes peer through a doorway, a smile illuminated by the quick flash of a lighter and sweet smelling smoke. the music here is louder, hundreds of songs jumbled together, a passion of the sound. there is a woman, her legs spread in a pair of metal stirrups, her insides pulsing and wanting to push out the dead unwanted flesh that has gestated inside her for years. men feeding each other bowls of their own urine, smiling as it drips down their festering chests that glow with the sweet stench of radiation.

103 steps through hell after heaven, through saints and sinners intertwined in comprimising situations. 104 more steps of darkness. 105 steps past doorways into lives and heartaches and hopes. and then there are more stairs

5 steps and there is a human skull that leers up from the floor.

10 steps and the stairs turn back, another hallway, another world of hurt.

and the door. she looks at the slippers and the world begins to slide again. she thought that she had picked her side when she let him go into the sunset. the sunset welcomed him and she rejected the light. darkness had become her, and she had become the darkness. its weapon, its wrath. this was not a war that she wanted, not the war that she had signed up for. once upon a time she fought causes that mattered. the continued suffering of the innocents so that maybe once in their future that they can feel happiness. the continued confusion so that maybe one day they can see clarity. chaos to make order.

and now the world becomes colorful. black and white taken over by brilliant blues and reds and purples. and the shades of grey in the shadows.

from all sides the walls seem to pulse as she gets closer. there are no more steps, her feet just seem to glide. the door stands sturdy as if built yesterday, its brass handle glinting under the ever brightening red light.
she takes the first shell and cocks a shotgun.

i gave the benefit of the doubt its true

breathe in

looking for a job is ever so tiresome. even more tiresome is the fact that you know that you are overqualified and people aren't hiring you because of that simple reason. and you don't have a degree in beer bongs... er... i mean business or psychology. i need to start my own business. i need to be the captain of my own destiny.

i need enough money for a pack of cigarettes.

i know that this has to end in the next week because if it doesn't i will have to slit my throat while my head is in my gas oven after i have taken a bottle of aspirin washed down by a bottle of mad dog laced with comet cleanser. knowing my luck they would all cancel each other out and i would end up with 3 million in medical bills. i have seen all these 'are you gay and do you masturbate' type posters for medical studies but they don't pay, they just give you free drugs and shit.... ah well life.

breathe out

its time to talk about celebrity and what makes a celebrity. i know its my massive obsession with television rearing its ugly head again but its been on my mind. is tawny kitaen still a celebrity? according to e! true hollywood story she is. is carey hart not that much of a celebrity? according to vh1's the surreal life he is. inked is by far my new favorite show, aside from my erotic obsession with tattoos, and i know that carey hart is sorta becoming like how tony hawk was to my youth, a sort of non-celeb legend that really is a celeb. would anybody be saying anything about tom cruise if he wasn't dating katie holmes but rather, some producer chick who at one time was behind the scenes of some show like cheers. probably not. i know celeb obsession is about living vicariously, but how much of it is just manufactured or trumped up reality we'll never know. personally i would like to hear a celeb come out with a step by step guide on how to take a shit without distressing your colon too much.

breathe in

kudos to sem.... talk to ya soon. and there is another ventilate on the way. now that i don't have to stream it and run i have been actually working on something much longer and comprehensive... stay tuned.

nebulize

poe - control

lungs and water and the effects thereafter

breathe in

i haven't felt this way in a long time. i should just say that, because i had a longer sentence that sounded like utter bullshit. you know. drunk sort of stupid shit. i should say that i saw him and wanted so bad just to tell him that i could relate... now that its not so bad. now that i have at least something that i can offer him besides bedside sarcasm and a note saying see you next week. i could say that i'm independently wealthy... that would go over good.

i could say that i love him.

i could sit here and write about it and never do a fucking thing because the coward that i am won't let me admit those things basic to my being.

what did i say before... its only flesh.

i think i'll start reading clive barker again

superficial smiles and something dirty

breathe in

when you look in someones eyes and know that it was supposed to be you.... and you know that they are going home with someone much hotter and well.... more equipped.... what do you do? you smile and blame it on the weather. you blame it on circumstance..

i just blame it on me.

i think clive barker said it best.... its just flesh.

nebulize

the cardigans - my favourite game

even rockstars get the blues

breathe in

its been a while i know.. between this cut and that cut and your random blue dragonfly.... but really i'm fine. i haven't been sleeping, but haven't been wanting to post. truth gets me like that.

i've ruined everything.

i ache and it happens. i'm scared to think what could happen if i was truly happy.

nebulize

folk implosion - kingdom of lies

independence day (belated)

nebulize

we drove our car to the top of the parking ramp
fourth of july
sat out on the hood with a couple warm beers
and watched the fireworks explode in the sky
there was an accident of birds in the trees
they didn't know that we were only pretending
and people all looked up and looked pleased
and the birds flew around like the whole world was ending
i don't think war is noble
i don't like to think that love is like war
but i got a big hot cherry bomb and
i want to stick it in the mailslot of your front door

you can't leave me here
i've got your back you better say you have mine
you say the coast is clear
you say that all the time

so many sheep i quit counting
sleepless and embarressed about the way that i feel
trying to make molehills out of mountains
building basecamp at the bottom of a really big deal
did i ever tell you how i stopped eating
when you stopped calling
i was cramped up shitting rivers for weeks
at the calm notion that i was finally free

you can't leave me here
you're down on your back you better stay this time
and you say the coast is clear
you say that all the time

-ani difranco

polar bears made sense to me

breathe in

in the event that i was wronged....he deals...he does....and i have fucking photos


in the event the he was wronged.... you need to pick them better



nebulize

garbage - why do you love me

i think i fell in a bed of roses

ventilate

the red light pulsed a silent heartbeat outside the window, a neon 'u' screaming its death song among the joy of the other silently buzzing words and pictures that lined the avenue. he smiled, and continued to put his pants on, one leg at a time.

his thoughts went over the past few days, the past few years. he saw her and him and we and she and he and almost christ. almost.

a roach traced its way along the floorboards, leaving cryptograms of footprints in the ages old dust. she stirred, her breathing a clockwork of wheezes and sighs. he slowly walked to the window, peering through the bars and the mildew. he saw whores and johns, a wide array of dead poets, and the ones that called themselves muties. he saw those with the marks of st. alaric on their foreheads, wandering fools stained with the scent of commerce and filth. he saw the consulate, their iron masks hiding the sweat stained brows and their doubtful eyes. and the drums. of course he heard the drums.

he saw a light in a tower across the trees to the east. he knew he was waiting with his liquor and his wit. somewhere staring back at him across the dark expanse red eyes waited. the knife grew a hot silver when he spoke his name under his breath.

next time it will be a bed of roses, her name a thousand words of glory. next time it won't be like this.

sickening sighs and sweet overtures of you

breathe in

i sometimes fall behind. i sometimes think that this can be nothing more than anything else and i fall. i think that i can come back and try. i think and i fall and i dimly remember that none of this is quite what i had planned.

sounds like a bunch of emo shit but it is what's on my mind right now.

breathe out

i don't do drugs. ok a little. ok used to be a lot but still i don't do them anymore. that much.

i think that when a drug dealer accuses you of stealing from him that he doesn't trust you. just a thought.

nebulize

madonna - secret

spinning all on a blade of grass

breathe in

still evil. ever so still evil.

i think i have a cold. fucking june and i have a cold. its this congestion in the back of my throat, this wicked evil cough that i think i got from the dogs no less. dumb ass sick dogs.

still looking for a job. still looking for some recognition. still looking damnit.

as it happens update! - my dumbass roommate was supposed to be at work at 7:30 this morning and stayed at a tricks hotel room and just now got home! he says nothing happened, but lets wait until the beer wears off to make that judgement.

sure i have been a hooker. i have played tonsil hockey with about 5 people in the last 5 months. i think that is a conservative number compared to my former escapades. but he has done the same to 5 people in probably the last 5 days and feels no shame at all. and wonders why his ' sinuses' act up all the time. wonders why his legs hurt. its cause your a fucking whore and you probably got me sick in the first place and your legs are up in the air all the time bottom boy. good jesus.

i have been thinking a lot of the ones that have ran away lately, the ones that i pushed away. i know, its sooo hard to tell by the posts.

for once in my life i want to settle down. i want that white picket fence blah crap. i don't want to be in pain anymore. i don't want to be alone.

breathe out

so many things. i neglect to post and so many things have happened. a woman murdered by a latent homosexual in aruba. a pedophile acquitted. hell, trista even got kicked off of dancing with the stars. what is this world coming to?

don't think that guy in aruba wasn't a mo. he had it written all over him. he was european for chrissake, and he had profiles on the internet in some not so straight places. unless you're a total noob you know you don't put nekkid pics of yourself on hotornot type sites without wanting the deep dickin. its one of newton's laws i think.

mj thinks he got away with it again. i don't think that his career will recover in the us at all tho. but finally my theory has some backing. he doesn't molest those children, he sucks their blood. i was at ww the other day and i just thought of the best concept. mj is a nos who has a desire for the blood of pubescent boys. thats his doppelganger that goes out in the sun. its all right there in the rules. its possible.

nebulize

esthero- song for holly

i can't see a tower and a triangle, but damn do i see stars

breathe in

i went on gay.com tonight just to see how far a former legitimate chat site has sunk into the depths of hookup hell. it was pretty far. i had a great friend ask me if i would let him service me. another guy, who by the way wouldn't give me the time of day at the bar, tell me that he saw me tonight and wants to fuck my sweet ass.

men.

just thought i would give a late night shout out to all you peeps who aren't looking for a quick fuck.

if i want one of those i can go to charlie's.

nebulize

lauren christy - boomerang bang

creating darkness from a spoonful of wonder

breathe in

this has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. and i wasn't even working.

yes i lost my job. it was bound to happen. hell it needed to happen. they didn't have to be such assholes about it. but just to say that i put it out for the whole world to know....

CONTACT ONE CALL CENTER CAN LICK MY NUTS. BRIAN MCDONOUGH CAN TAKE HIS GLASS EYE AND GIVE HIMSELF A RECTAL EXAM WITH IT. RANDI MERRILL CAN GIVE BIRTH TO THE ANTICHRIST.

and that makes me happy. that's the wonderful thing about blogs. i can write anything i damn well want and no one can do shit to me.

i hope they rot in hell.

on a brighter note, i think i already have another job. 4 days isn't that bad i don't think. i did work my tail off tho.

breathe out

jacko goes to jury. i wish i wrote headlines for such lofty media sources like time, newsweek and the godlike entertainment tonight. the verdict in this case will once again disillusion the western world, while fueling the flames of hatred from our eastern counterparts. we can't even punish our own criminals. hell we can't even define what is a criminal act anymore.

things were easier when you went to jail for looking funny and you had to fuck your honey through a hole in a sheet.

nebulize

sarah mclaughlin- fallen

i just want to be loved... is that so wrong..

breathe in

sobriety post aside, i have this sneaking creepy suspicion that i am going to get bombed out of my gord tonight. call it intuition. call it divine intervention.

hell, call it i want to see j, s, c, b, p, and all the others and feel like i matter.

is it sad when all your friends work at a bar? i mean sure they serve you drinks, and only charge you half of the time so thats a bonus. but honestly i have a good time with those boys. they put a smile on my face before the blitz settles in and then keep it going. i don't think i end up closing the bar because of the booze, because honestly there are times when i don't have a drink for 2 hours. i think i stay there because i am going to miss that one magic moment when everything is perfect and we all look at each other and just say 'wow, it's been a good day'.

i miss feeling like that. i miss having that warm support. i miss playing nhl 99 and acting like i didn't know how to play and then kicking everyone's ass and winning the tourney. i miss diablo 2. i miss mirrorshades and broomsticks. i miss orgotek. i miss the dark symmetry. i miss chasing the dog out to the lake. i miss frankenkitty. i miss p's foot rubs. i miss mushroom pizza. i miss the carnivorous beanbag. i miss the 4-9 amusement hour. i miss the tower and the barrel of beer. i miss the sprinkler and the shopping cart. i miss poe on the roof. i miss elevators and head bumps. i miss four rooms and squares. i miss turtle blood and hair parties.

i think that i have wiped my past clean so many times that it comes rushing back with much more force as i get older. faces and regrets and downright lies stare at me and accuse and judge and belittle.

i want them all back, and i don't even know if that is possible.

so like i said... there is a pretty good chance that someone is getting schnockered tonight, and i'll give you one guess who that is.

addiction didn't create this alcoholic.

regret did.

breathe out

i want to be a popular blogger. i want someone to see my blog and go ' oh my god he is the smartest man alive, lets put his sperm in the smithsonian'.

actually i just want someone to link my blog to their website just to make me feel cool.

fuck - at least i'm honest!

breathe in

i had the coolest psuedo waking dream on the bus on the way to work today. i was listening to haunted and this vision of a really cool video came to me. i would put it in the ventilate posts, but its not really a story, more of a video for the song, and also a take on mark z's book. i envision as the song starts showing a guy driving a car, maybe like an old school chevelle, standard, a sort of primer greenish gray. in the passenger seat there are polaroid photos of houses, all sorts like on the disc for the album. when she starts singing, the camera actually goes into one of the pictures and shows a woman in a house. a little girl runs past her and she smiles. she is sort of cleaning or something and notices the little girl gone and a door where there wasn't one in the last shot, open and nothing but darkness. the camera goes into the door and pans out of a mans eye, and as we get the full shot he is enraged and screaming. this is the chorus now. the woman from before and this man are screaming at each other and throwing various keepsakes at each other. the little girl stares on while they obliviously argue, the camera closing in on her as the chorus ends, going into one of the black squares on her little dress. 2nd verse, camera pulls out of the black and back into the car. the guy in the car is driving slowly down a tree lined street, with a picture in his hand, he pulls up in front of the house from the photo and the camera zooms in the door. (and these shadows keep on changing). 2nd chorus you see the woman entering the door and running down an infinitely deep and dark corridor, supposedly yelling out the little girls name, running faster until she gets to a door and the bridge starts. she opens it to see her ?husband? sitting alone in the darkness, terrified. as she tries to approach he keeps scooting back in horror. (i will always miss you) at the climax of the song the darkness sweeps in all around him as he screams, sucking him in. she is sort of pushed back and the door is closed in front of her. she turns around, herself frightend for the 3rd verse. now the hallway is filled with doors. she frantically opens one after the other, looking in and seeing nothing. she finally emerges out in the house that begins to start shaking. (3rd chorus) the floorboards are bursting up, almost in claw shapes. she is avoiding them and looks up and sees her daughter in a closet sort of area. she runs over, avoiding the ruptures in the floor, grabs the girl and rushes out the front door, narrowly missing being hurt or grabbed by the house at all turns. she has her daughter in her arms and she is weeping as she steps out on the lawn, collapsing to her knees. the camera pans out to the guy in the car, holding a polaroid of the house which he has now set on fire, and throws out the window. the woman watches as the car drives away. song fade. ba da ba pa.

i know that was long but i had to write it all together or else it wouldn't flow right from my head.

just a cool thought for a 5 year old song.

nebulize

poe - haunted

the taste was sweet, and you delivered

breathe in

i feel so healthy when i don't drink. i know that's a great big captain obvious statement, but it is sort of true. my sobriety i think contributed to the awesome dream that i had last night. all i can say is it had something to do with the karshner triplets, the underside of some stadium bleachers and a ski mask. and i was just watching.

god i'm dirty.

breathe out

what in the hell happened on alias? my name is not michael vaughn? what in the fuck? that's an even better cliffhanger than sidney waking up in hong kong with three years of her life gone. i screamed out loud at the end. like a fucking little girl i did.

and lost. just a fucking pit or tunnel or something? the rest of it was cool. i like the fact that someone got blown the fuck up in the sfirst 10 minutes of the show, and they couldn't have chosen better than that whiney ass doctor.

it was a good night for quality television. people want a little more strangeness in their lives, some more surprises, and it shows by our current habits. people love lost, alias, desperate housewives. we are sick of reality, that is why we immerse ourselves in a story, whether it be a book, tv show, movie, porno, whatever.

nebulize

tircky - u don't wanna

choking on the words of wise men

breathe in

call me a dumbass, call me a slacker, but i just haven't posted in a while. i think its a combination of trimspa and depressed apathy. oh well. i spend my days wanting to quit this place, but then i can't imagbine what they would do without me. i spend my nights thinking of the ones that got away, the ones that i chased away, and all the ones inbetween. there is this darkness that comes about me this time of year, i don't really know why. i got drunk and blacked out for the first time in years. i fell down the stairs in our house.

i think its this time of year when he comes back, lurking at the back of my head.

i have tried to forgive him and tried to forget him. i have stripped his image of any greatness whatsoever and turned him over into the buffoon i always knew him to be. yet i see glimpses on sidewalks, and it sends everything spinning.

breathe out

i read that 60 minutes 2 has been cancelled for next season, with no report of dan rather going back to 48 hours or the real 60 minutes. i guess cbs is still punishing a good man for making a simple mistake, while praising all the truly evil men in the world nightly in convenient 3 minute time slots. its a sad day for mass media. a sad time period.

nebulize

tori - sweet dreams

lets propose a toast... to the thing that hurts the most

breathe in

i am sooo in trouble. i got way too drunk last night for the first part. the second part is that i made an ass out of myself last night. the third part is that i don't know why i am doing this......

nebulize

massive attack - teardrop
"you're totally in turmoil"

the action of inaction

breathe in

i have always been a forgiving person. i really think so at least. this weekend was no exception. in the past 2 days i have forgiven two people that i should have ripped out their testicles. actually one of them i still might, but that's another story.

on saturday he decided to come back. he told me that he missed me, that he made a mistake. he kissed me and i swooned.

on sunday another one decided to betray me, to make a fool out of me. i decided to forget about it, and to also hold it in the back of my heart waiting for the day that i can strike back.

but the important thing here is that he came back.

not even the big piece of shit has made me feel this way. makes me feel wanted. he makes me feel strangely fine.

and i love his kisses.

he won't let me call him my boyfriend yet. i know that sounds like stupid high school crap, but i haven't really been able to say that and be proud of it for a long time. and i would be proud. i would be more than happy.

anyone want to place bets on when the pessimisstic insecure psycho comes back? i give myself a week.

and c, you didn't call me yesterday you dirty rotten piece of cat poo. i will get you and your little dog too.

nebulize

sneaker pimps - becoming x

she cries your name

breathe in

just another lazy saturday at the old bump and grind. i really do like saturday's pretty much, this 8-4 thing is nice, and i don't like to go out on friday's anyway. plus i get 8 hours of peace and quiet without any interruptions.

god i have turned into one of those people.

i will say that this new situation has got me meeting a lot of new people that i could see devolping long term friendships with, like the j's and p. once i get to know them all better that is. there is still that trace of sketch lingering with them, but we'll see. i consider myself down to earth for the most part at least, and i think that they are seeing that.

except for the fact that i'm nuts.

oh well, i need to actually do some work

say hi to emma

nebulize

massive attack - teardrop

the glory and the wonder

breathe in

boy am i a slacker! for all of you that have been reading this faithfully you have noticed that recently i have been sort of anti posting. i am alive i've just been moving. so here is an update.

we are moved in, my room is actually clean and we have not yet killed each other, although today was a close one.

after hours parties until 3 am is not good for this boy all the time. especially on a school night. thank god tina didn't come over or i would soooo be in trouble.

**** c needs to call me ******

breathe out

my favorite website has decided that they are no longer going to offer ther funnest shirts because of a personal decision. fuck that. your customers have demands! i am an autistic kid and i fucking rock! i can't believe that they would do that to me. they even took away the coffee in the freezer shirt. fucking winey ass women and fucking crybaby conservatives got the best of the so called ' idon't care fuck you all' business man that runs the site. who cares if you have nasty hitler shirts. who cares if you love niger. suck my dick whoever strong armed him into taking down the shirts.

ESPECIALLY THE AUTISTIC SHIRT!

i guess i will have to make my own....hmmmm....

nebulize

lamb - darkness

sleep together

breathe in

i am such a lazy bastard. i am so far behind and i have a little under 48 hours to have my old apartment cleaned and done. this sucks. and then tonight hopefully i will be able to get a dresser from the people that gave me their bedroom. drug addicts are the nicest people.

speaking of drugs, i didn't think that it would be this way things would be. i expected people in and out of the house at all hours of the day and night. i expected more along the lines of yuppie white nose super stardom. what i got was a bunch of nice guys who seem like they would do anything for someone that shares a smile and an occasional bump.

oh well... its gonna be an adventure.

a world of pain

breathe in

this is taken from the blog blast radius here on blogger. funny funny shit!

The webcast of last Friday's Biology 1A lecture gets very interesting at timecode 48:50. I've transcribed Prof Rine's comments here, so you can see what a world of shit the thief is in:
"Thanks Gary. I have a message for one person in this audience - I'm sorry the rest of you have to sit through this. As you know, my computer was stolen in my last lecture. The thief apparently wanted to betray everybody's trust, and was after the exam.The thief was smart not to plug the computer into the campus network, but the thief was not smart enough to do three things: he was not smart enough to immediately remove Windows. I installed the same version of Windows on another computer - within fifteen minutes the people in Redmond Washington were very interested to know why it was that the same version of Windows was being signalled to them from two different computers.The thief also did not inactivate either the wireless card or the transponder that's in that computer. Within about an hour, there was a signal from various places on campus that's allowed us to track exactly where that computer went every time that it was turned on. I'm not particularly concerned about the computer. But the thief, who thought he was only stealing an exam, is presently - we think - is probably still in possession of three kinds of data, any one of which can send this man, this young boy, actually, to federal prison. Not a good place for a young boy to be.You are in possession of data from a hundred million dollar trial, sponsored by the NIH, for which I'm a consultant. This involves some of the largest companies on the planet, the NIH investigates these things through the FBI, they have been notified about this problem.You are in possession of trade secrets from a Fortune 1000 biotech company, the largest one in the country, which I consult for. The Federal Trade Communication is very interested in this. Federal Marshals are the people who handle that.You are in possession of proprietary data from a pre-public company planning an IPO. The Securities and Exchange Commission is very interested in this and I don't even know what branch of law enforcement they use.Your academic career is about to come to an end. You are facing very serious charges, with a probability of very serious time. At this point, there's very little that anybody can do for you. One thing that you can do for yourself is to somehow prove that the integrity of the data which you possess has not been corrupted or copied.Ironically, I am the only person on the planet that can come to your aid, because I am the only person that can tell whether the data that was on that computer are still on that computer. You will have to find a way of hoping that if you've copied anything that you can prove you only have one copy of whatever was made.I am tied up all this afternoon; I am out of town all of next week. You have until 11:55 to return the computer, and whatever copies you've made, to my office, because I'm the only hope you've got of staying out of deeper trouble than you or any student I've ever known has ever been in.I apologise to the rest of you for having to bring up this distasteful matter, but I will point out that we have a partial image of this person, we have two eyewitnesses, with the transponder data we're going to get this person."

nebulize

incubus - make yourself

the power of orange knickers

nebulize

the power of orange knickers
under my petticoat
the power of listening to what
you don't want me to know
can somebody tell me
who is this terrorist?
those girls that smile kindly
then rip your life to pieces
can somebody tell me now
am i alone with this?
this little pill in my hand
and with this secret kiss
am i alone in this?

a matter of complication
when you become a twist
for their latest drink
as their transitioning
can somebody tell me now
who is this terrorist?
this little pill in my hand
that keeps the pain living
can somebody tell me now
a way out of this?
that sacred pipe of redstone
can blow me out of this
kiss

the power of orange knickers
under my petticoat
the power of listening to what
you don't want me to know
shame shame time to leave me now
shame shame you've had your fun
shame shame for letting me think
that i would be the one
can somebody tell me now
who is this terrorist?
this little pill in my hand
oh there's a secret kiss
am i alone in this?
this kiss

tori

white smoke and the beast

breathe out

i almost fucking forgot! screw my relationship woes, we have a new bigoted pope! oh sure you people may not think he is a bigot, but when read between the lines i think the word 'hardliner' pretty much means a fucking german speaking jerry fallwell. on one hand, lets hope that he takes a better stance on the child molestation scandal, after all that's how you get bitter people like me. let's also hope that he does continue a humanitarian image of the church that john paul worked so hard to establish.

let us hope that his hatred toward me, and the judgements that the church has made against me and my community, will be put on a back burner in favor of the greater issues. there are worse things than falling in love.

to all those that i have talked to about this: i still think he's probably the beast. we'll see.....

"last time i checked he came to light the lamp for everyone"

nebulize

mother revoloution - tori

walking on shards of your eyes

breathe in

it happened again. i don't know what i do, or how i do it but it happened again. its alright though. really it is.

but i don't have anyone to go to tori with tonight and thats a fucking bummer. yup.

i just want to rant now tho. why is it that i am so eager to get involved, and so eager to give it all, and that i can't find it. i used to be them. i used to be free of constraint and happy with life as a vagabond. i want someone to hold me. i want someone to care.

i want someone to stick around for more than 2 weeks.

on a lighter note, still in the process of moving to my new house. anyone that is interested drop me a line and i will give you the grand tour.

that means you c.

nebulize

the power of orange knickers - tori

surprises and footnotes

breathe in

confusion. utter confusion. i don't know what to feel and i don't know what to say. last night he just showed up out of the blue, after i called 3 times with no response yesterday. he apologizes, and i see the light in his eyes. he knew that it made me happy.

it makes me happy to be around him.

it makes me happy to talk to him.

he told me that this week will be hard to get a hold of him, at least thats what i got between kisses.

is it bad that i just want to hold him? is it sad that i just want to be with him.

yes i can be clingy. some of you know that too well.

nebulize

tori - cars and guitars

welcoming smiles and backhands

breathe in

i hate autocomplete... hate it. when it comes to this at least.

i have been playing castlevania all day. circle of the moon is way too fucking hard and aria of sorrow is a close second. and walkthroughs are a joke.

enough with the geek stuff.

i don't think he likes me. i think that he is entertaining the idea, but i don't think he does.

damn.

nebulize

tricky - pumpkin

soft rock star

breathe in

it sure gets fucking lonely back here, but the first two hours of work actually went by pretty smooth. 1 lead an hour works for me. for those of you that don't know, i am in a new sort of dept at work where i work specifically on one account that has the potential to bring in 10 grand a month. that may seem like small potatoes, but to a small company of about 30 employees that is fucking fantastic. that will pay for 4 of us to work on this full time for as long as we want. and if the commissions start coming in.... ooo daddy.

in other news, this new thing has me just confused. it makes my stomach hurt. he says baby steps and i guess i have to agree, but i am not used to that at all. i know that he doesn't want to be hurt, and i don't want to be hurt either, but this is going to drive me crazy. i hate it that i give myself away so easily, but i guess i always have. some of you know that all too well. i did open up to him a lot on thursday, i told him of some of my pain, i told him that i can give limitless joy. i told him that i want him to be happy regardless. i hope that he is. i know that his kisses make me happy. he already has me figured out to the point where he knows that as much as i play apathy that i can be one jealous bitch.

at least he knows that i like him.

now that's out of the way, now on to the hard part.

breathe out

shameless plug - my new favorite saturday thing i'm sure will be sirens of song radio. love it love it love it love it. i love me some whiny bitch music! go to the site and check it out!

nebulize

joan osborne - st. theresa

boys on in the middle

breathe in

i got my tickets, and you don't got none cause your mom's on welfare nah nah nah nah nah
i still am so excited about tori. listened to her all day today. i need one of those desk chargers for my i pod so i can really get the setup going here at work. i listened to ireland and even liked it today. and witness.

c makes me happy. feeling strangely fine is sometimes a bad omen for me. he is complicated, and he is not telling me things about his past, which makes him that much hotter. plus he's a normal guy. like real normal. he likes cars and old school rock. no he doesn't have a mullet. he is like the template that i have been looking for.... or maybe i'm just blinded by his smile, and his eyes, and my own naivite. o well.

breathe out

let the man rest people!!!!! he's dead, he wanted to go quietly and the transition to go smoothly. he wasn't jesus, just another pawn of saul called paul, and if you read your history books you would know that.

i do think he should be sainted.

nebulize

juno reactor - god is god

no refunds, no exchanges

breathe in

i feel a little better today. although i definitely do not want to be here or doing this right now. oh well. it's a living. i have a small paycheck and the damn k does not work on this keyboard.

breathe out

ding dong the pope is dead. not that i'm overwhelmingly happy or anything, just thought that it's about time the man got some rest.

nebulize

lauren christy - burn

don rickles never had much on me

breathe in

am i allowed? am i good enough? is this e nough? am i enough? i think that all i can give is this.

nebulize

tori - the beekeeper

it's me and you and her and him and me

breathe in

i don't know what to say. i can smile and wonder what if, or i can just smile.

c is a good one.

wish i was.

peanuts and coconuts

breathe in

something i though i would share. correspondence.

"my words to ???? were 'tell ??? i'm sorry and that i'll talk to her later'....
i didn't think i was attacking and i'm sorry that it seemed that way.
this is ridiculous. we are both smart great people. why are we caught up in this drag queen drama.
yes i am inconsiderate.yes i am too proud.
i think life needs a five second rule sorta. drop it on the floor...blow it off and eat it anyway.
like an oreo.
i guess i can't fathom how i could hurt you so bad. i guess i did.
5 seconds two weeks... hmmm"

criminalus mentalis ordis

breathe in

i have recently become obsessed with cults and religious theory. ok well that's a lie, i have always been intrigued by them. but i found one that really has sort of piqued my intrest. now those of you that are familiar with v:tm and all that stuff will probably think that the website is a bunch of fluff. but i was reading some of the articles and the mission statements of the individual orders and pylons and something struck me as honest. the website is www.xeper.org and it is quite interesting. now this is not an invitation to join the group, but it is something interesting to look at. their thoughts on anton levay are quite poignant. its when you get into the articles that it gets a little funky, and you read about some of the vague goals that you can only be party to once you pay their 80 dollar initiate fee. that makes it sound like scientology. oh well.

breathe out

i only have one thing to say about this morning

http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=458

sorry to s.... but he really needs to at least retire poor old man. like i've said before i don't question his good works and his intentions, i question the institution that has supported him. you know... there are a lot of paralells between the other religion on this page and his... makes me think.

ITS A CONSPIRACY! I KNEW IT!

oh well.

nebulize

radiohead - talk show host

i have been to sin city and all i got was frozen

breathe in

reach out.... read the divine comedy...

fuck yeah!

sexy baby

reggin

yeehaw

show me your pussy

fucking cool

i'm cool as shit

ooo scary....

sodomy is intrusive

breathe out

http://www.familyresearchinst.org/FRR_04_03.html

after reading this i want to punch a fundamentalist. any of them. fucking sodomy is more damaging than child porn? give me a fucking break. these people say that they are 'family' oriented, but all they are doing is going after a section of the population that cherishes the concept of family above all else. sexual orientation is not just about sex. i know a few couples that don't even really have sex, or if they do it's no more frequent than an average married straight couple. i have been in a relationship where there was not very much sex involved. contrary to popular belief, its not always about the deep dickin and the tight asses. its about intamacy. its about love.

once again i sound like dr. phil on crack.

i just hate the fact that i have no rights as a human being because i find it emotionally impossible to fall in love with a woman in a romantic way. i hate it that there are people that have nothing better to do than to regulate everyone else's poonanny. i hate it that there are people here that, despite the benefits of modern society, want to return us to a puritanical state.

notice how the largest proponents of these hate worshippers are always sexually frustrated men and women who in their pasts probably show a pattern of repression and physical abuse by adults and peers.

actually i know someone like this personally. in his youth he was restricted by his parents, not allowed to go to any functions that weren't critically supervised by parents within their religous cult. the kids at school teased him for his modest dress and the fact that all of his clothes looked the same. his parents did not own a television. they participated in book burnings. in high school he was not allowed into any extra-curricular activities and if ever he was late coming home for any reason his parents beat him. he told me his mother had a wooden spoon that she would use to beat him with, and he had the welts to prove it. after school was over, he got a job with a construction company owned by someone in their religion. he still lived with his parents until he was 22. he had developed a drinking problem. he got his own place, and then the fun began. he started running with some white supremacists, and soon was hosting nightly boot parties. age 24 he was arrested for assault, went to prison, and when he got out he was a changed man, but not for the better. he became active in his religion again, and had moved back in with his parents. he studied to become a pastor, and even started dating someone. no one knew that he stumbled through life in a drunken haze. no one knew about his secret.

he told me this story over a series of phone calls. i met him on a gay chat line. i have never met him in person. he knew since he was 5 years old that he was gay. he had struggled and struggled and had tried to take his own life. he became a skinhead to punish others for his own sins just as his parents and peers had punished him throughout his life. hate breeds hate. at 30 he was just then beginning to put his life back together. i was the only one he could talk to because i didn't live near him and therefore i couldn't affect his immediate life.

he killed himself 3 years ago.

i found online about a year ago a skinhead website that still had his name as one of the founders of their little hate clique. it just made me sad. they said he died for the cause.

groups like this hurt families. they teach narrow mindedness and fear. teach is not the right word, they inflict.

i know i have rambled, and i'm damn sure that i'm no journalist. but i just needed to rant.

breathe in

plus i think i'm still drunk

can't hardly breathe...

breathe in

penso che sia nella difficoltà grande. ho scopato in su stasera su uno dei nostri clienti più grandi e penso che stiano andando annullare. è tutto il mio difetto anche. ciò è italiana a proposito. così lascia l'opinione giusta, relativa fuori alla barra per me ancora stasera.

nebulize

fiona apple - mistake

a slow crushing feeling with a lemon twist

breathe in

today is destined to be a horrible day. it is written in the stars. i think i was shorted 100 on my paycheck. my i pod might be broken.

times like these i want to go back on my medication.

i think its story time.

breathe out

imagine a social setting. pick any that you like. fill it with acquaintances. not friends mind you, friends won't do for this type of story. this is a tragedy. the cast are all familiar. there is the loner, the pretty one, the outgoing one, the shy one, the girly one, the obnoxious one, the butch one, the new one. you've got it? good. their faces don't necessarily need to be recognizable, just like acquaintances in your own life. now just watch them interact. watch the seemingly mindless waltz of hihowareyou and howhaveyoubeen. him and you and her and me and you and him and we. it happens every night somewhere.

the outgoing one looks over to the girly one, while the pretty one pines over the loner. the obnoxious one somehow has bonded with the shy one, and all their fag hags sit in the corner with their hoop earrings and embarressingly tight tube tops and capri pants.

every night in the bar is the same, the patterns flow and ebb in the same ways. sometimes you are let down. sometimes you have the time of your life. but no matter where you are the faces are the same, their roles always played to a t.

i love you all, lets have another martini. who wants shots? sing and dance and do the shimmy.

glory glory to the great god dionysus. glory to me.

there is a bitter wine for sale. any takers?

can someone hold my hair?

the wheels turn and the midnight hour passes, the drunk ones have stumbled and gone home to sleep with the masses. they may forget your name, they may forget the time they put their hands down your pants, but they will remember the feeling of acceptance, the wonderful fluff of comfort.

let's do it again sometime.

what was your name again?

i have your number in my phone already, i'll be in touch.

being a part of something sometimes takes you further apart than you would like.

revisionist history

breathe in

wow i was loopy last night. don't tell my work. i slept until 12:30, and for those of you keeping score that means i woke up 30 mins late for work. whoops.

but let me do a real review of the album track by track.

parasol- wow
sweet the sting - wow
the power of orange knickers - double wow
jamaica inn - double wow
barons of suburbia - wow
sleeps with butterflies - hella wow
general joy - wow
mother revoloution - wow
ribbons undone - wow
cars and guitars - wow
witness - eh...
original sinsuality - eh....
ireland - eh...
the beekeeper - wow
martha's foolish ginger - eh
hoochie woman - holy wow
goodbye picses - crapola wow
marys of the sea - yummy wow
toast - bangbam wow
garlands - wow

so there you have it. fucking wow is all i have to say. if you disagree well you can go eat the peanuts out of my shit because i just don't care. april 19th is way too far away for my liking, but i can't wait to see her.

breathe out

robert blake was acquitted yesterday. i wanted to write something about it but dollar drinks and the hottie bartender at the wrangler took precedence. was there any doubt that he was innocent? i followed the trial a bit, if for nothing more than a glimpse into pop culture. it amazes me how people are transfixed by seemingly mundane events that are tinted with celebrity contact. if joe hoodrat was on trial for murder you might get 2 paragraphs on page 19, but you would never really hear it again. oh well.

that sucked more later

nebulize

tori - goodbye to picses

the truth about cats and dogs

breathe in

so i have read a whole bunch of scathing reviews of the beekeeper. here is mine.

breathe out

parasol - i heard your voice... i heard you scream... yet still you lie

the power of orange knickers - smile while you do it

jamaica inn- i'm a pirate...arghh

sleeps with butterflies- rain down justice

general joy - she looks nice, i thought it was for me

cars and guitars - shift.. oh god please shift

hoochie woman - you and me and her and me and him and me and you

goodbye to pieces - oh crap

toast - goodbye to pieces

and that is my brilliant review to be followed by an evil retraction

sickly sweet memories of you

ventilate

there was a hush in the council chambers as he sat down. this was to be the culmination of seven years of deliberations and tribulations, the end of seven years of politicking and lies.

and as he clears his throat, it begins.

"we have always held this council in high regard. we have always given guidance to this council when necessary, shaping the nations with reverence toward the divine will that flows through us. we have tried. you have failed.

there was a stunned silence throughout the councillors, the only sound the fidgeting of bodies and the shuffle of paperwork.

"we have found that all of your efforts to stop the insugents, the three minor insurgents that we have asked for from the beginning, these efforts have not been sufficient in our eyes nor those of the powers that guide our hands. the divine will has instructed us to personally take care of this problem.

"as below, so above.

a sudden rush of armed men, dressed in black with steel plates covering their faces, invades the room grabbing each councillor by the neck, the arm, the hair, whatever is available.

"we apologise for the inconvenience, but failure extracts a heavy price. it was a pleasure to work with you all.

the executions began within three minutes.

i never thought that i would be retelling that tale to you now, that it would be something of so much importance in our history. i never thought that his crimes would become heroic, nor his mandates and edicts so integral to our way of life.

i never thought that it would go this far.

you came in search of the truth. you came here to learn about what has come to pass, regardless of the book and the knife.

six days later, an edict was issued and carried out throughout the adriatic territories. military rule had been issued and all traces of a rebellion were to be crushed with lethal forces. i remember looking out the window at the bonfires in central park, the screaming of the children, the beat of the wild drums. it reminded me of my war, so long ago. our war.

i know that everything comes full circle, that everything has a reason.

when i sat in the council chamber and watched all my works go to waste, watch my brethren hunted down like dogs all in the name of divine progress, i think that was the second time in my existence that i have wept. i saw raphael dismembered, his limbs fed to the iron clad dogs that the he kept for protection. i saw michael exsanguinated, i saw uriel skinned. they took the punishments of the poets and they enacted them on all of my kindred. actually, one of your poets put it rather nicely. i saw fear in a handful of dust.

of course they couldn't destroy us, and we only let them think so because we thought that it suited the ultimate end, the one that we had been praying for since the beginning. i had this glorious thought of the beasts falling into the pit, of an anger subsiding, of seeing the light once again.

the carnage was beautiful. that is why i wept.

i go on though. would you like more scotch? it will relax you. maybe enough to where you will stop levelling that damned shotgun at my forehead.

nebulize

machines of loving grace - last

catholics and other heretics, sign here for free cheese!

breathe in

so for the first time in a fewdays i can sort of breathe alright. i hate to be sick. i just hope that i gave it to enough people to justify my suffering.

dilemma for consideration:

i know i can't blame alcohol on everything, but i did a sort of stupid thing and now i don't know what to do about it. i mean, sure this isn't the first time i have been in this situation. sure, i could be an asshole but i'm on this whole anti betrayal kick right now, beekeeper and all. dammit i practice what tori preaches. anyway, i don't want a romantic connection with someone and i inadvertantly gave him the impression i did. there is someone else that lingers in my head, but thats a situation on hold. but the real gist of things here is that i am not interested in this person for anything more than friendship right now, sort of like what someone else said to me.

i'm trying to write this down but my head is swimming with situations and subtext and all sorts of other dirty s words.

its like the song: him and her and you and him and me

i think i'll just buy a bottle on the way home and curl up and watch welcome to sunny florida or something. my head hurts.

nebulize

how to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
how to defer to men in solve-able predicaments
how to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
how to have that not work and have them run away from you
how to keep people at arm's length and never get too close
how to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most
how to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
how to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone
how to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
how to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite
how to hate god when you're a pray-er and a spiritualist
how to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success
i've been doing research for years
i've been practicing my ass off
i've been training my whole life for this moment i swear to you
culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you
how to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
how to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
how to numb a la holic to avoid going within
how to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything
i'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
a course of a lifetime you'll never forget
i'll show you how to in eight easy steps
i'll show you how leadership looks when taught by the best
-alanis morissette

breathe in

cooking eggs in hell's kitchen

breathe in

there is this thing living in my chest and it is about ready to drive me insane. i cannot stop coughing, i feel like hell. my head feels like a big balloon. bitch bitch moan. i shouldn't be at work but i have used all my get out of jail free cards. i feel as if i may have a fever but i'm not sure.

this sucks.

in response. i still think i'm a speed bump. but that just may be because i feel like one right now.

and i didn't mean that type of bear cub.

breathe out

i've been looking at other blogs lately, just to see what other people do. i've seen one that was a record of a persons house repairs. i've seen another about an annoying roommate. altogether, i figure that this effort isn't any different.

nebulize

tori - angels

safe in my frame

breathe in

i think the words only come when i have a blood alcohol contend of at least .05. i mean, the examples in history are there. charles bukowski, earnest hemingway, tenessee williams, edgar allen poe all drunks. sure i don't have proof, maybe except for bukowski, but i think that you have to be an alcoholic to tap into that wellspring of emotion where all the stories come from.

so i'm saying to all of you that read the fiction. it's coming. i just have to get really liquored up.

i'll be the only one you can't betray

breathe in

it is awfully glorious to be a bastard. i take pride in the fact that i can harbor the cruellest of thoughts and not give a shit about any of you. i can and i will betray you. its inevitable. but i am up front about it, and i don't hide it in any way. so you are the only one to blame if i get the better of you. you are the only one to blame when the day comes that i am the only one there to talk you down from that ledge. while you fall know that it was always your fault, and i never said that i would save you.

know that this is not said as a warning. i don't care about any sort of warning. i am merely stating the facts.

i realise that most of you can't deal with facts. most of you wrap yourselves up in the lie that is reality and create illusions that you are some sort of saint, some sort of glorious wonder whom the world should worship as holy. i've seen martyrs, i've seen saints. they're all dead so they really aren't relevant anymore. and even alive no one really noticed them anyway.

if you want to be truly holy you have to die. that's how jesus did it.

i don't say these things to deliberately offend. i say these things because they are simple truths, things which i have come to understand through barbed wire and broken glass and the words that he left me with.

you call me jaded, i say enlightened. you call me bitter, i say empowered. you say bastard, i agree.

breathe out

they are going to repeal don't ask don't tell and lift the ban on gays in the military. well there goes the forbidden mystery to one of the biggest gay fetishes of all time. with gays being accepted, no more will it be so risque to fuck that nice little so called marine you met at the bar two nights ago. no longer will the boy with the dog tags be admired for his bravery while dancing in a jock strap on top of a speaker. alas, its the end of an era.

the only thing that won't change are the dykes. everyone always knew that all the girl in the military chow box. its a fact. no mystery at all there.

nebulize

tori - parasol

galileo

breathe in

i just figured out that i don't own any nice clothes. i mean, i can dress nice if i want to, but nothing that would be suitable for something that is not considered business casual. maybe with my tax money i should buy some nice clothes, like tailored stuff.

nah i'm too fat.

that's why i don't wear nice clothes, because no matter how nice they are i still look like a cow. i'm a fatass lets face it. but then again i'm too fucking lazy to get off my ass and work out. so i guess i'm at an impasse here.

breathe out

just like the song i start to think about reincarnation. unfortunately i didn't have a couple of beers so my insights might not be so profound. i start to think about the journey of the hypothetical soul, the cyclical changing of the seasons. i start to think about where i am in the cycle of things.

i look at others, those whose lives have been fulfilled in some way either by love or companionship, some sort of reasoning for existence. maybe i am just nihilistic, but i honestly don't think that there is a point to my personal journey. maybe i am here as a bump in the road to prospective saints, an obstacle of pessimism sent to deliver them from the evils of hope and opportunity. i seek to drag you all down with me until the world is reduced to the primal goo that we all came from. at least then we would all be equal. and we wouldn't need rent control.

maybe next time i'll get to be a cute fuzzy bear cub.

i'd probably get shot in the ass.

looking past the reflecting pools me and you

breathe in

i don't know what to feel right now. once again a hard subject for me to breach. loss. i lose something more of myself everyday and i don't know how to stop it. i lose people. i lose memories.

and i don't think i feel anything

she was so important, yet i can't remember why. she was wonderful and i don't even think that i even realised her potential.

i am so callous. or maybe i'm angry. or maybe i'm not just right.

nebulize

tori - gold dust

wicked mysterious light

breathe in

yet another recurring theme in this experiment. hangovers. yee-haw

breathe out

today i was able to look through my personell file at work. that bitch that used to be my boss went through my personal items and put copies in there. writing, sketches, doodles, all that stuff. why in the hell would you want to put that in a file unless you intended to use it in some malicious way later? fucking cunt. one was on a piece of a legal pad and it was my random thoughts when i was very sick of my job. what the fuck would she want that chicken scratch for other than to try to railroad me later.

i am so glad that the evil has left that place. only to be replaced by pregnant mexicans. blah

jamaica inn

nebulize - tori

can you patch my jeans peggy ann?
just a little stitch to mend the hole
he has torn
if you can
maybe i got too set in my way
she says she reminds him of me
when we first met
in those early days...
the sexiest thing is trust
i wake up to findthe pirates have come,
tying up along your coast
how was I to knowthe pirates have come?
between rebecca’s
beneath your firmaments
i have worshipped
in the jamaica inn
in the jamaica inn.
with the gales
my little boat was tossed.
how was i to knowthat you’d send her
with a lantern
to bring me in?
"are you positive this is a friend?"
the captain grimaced.
"those are cliffs of rock aheadif i’m not mistaken."
the sexiest thing is trust
i wake up to find
the pirates have come,
tying up along your coast.
how was I to know
the pirates have come?
between rebecca’s
beneath your firmaments
i have worshipped
in the jamaica inn.
in the jamaica inn.

its been nice since the biopsy

breathe in

it wasn't as hard as i thought. it wasn't i swear

breathe out

who are you to finesse my favor?

nebulize

kelly clarkson (yes her) - since u been gone

sammy brady is my hero

breathe in

i have to go to work in a bit so i will make this short. tonight marks the end of an era. things won't be the same and i don't know how i feel about it.

at least i don't have to worry about getting my drinks without ice on accident anymore.

i'll miss you both.

breathe out

tori tickets go on sale saturday morning. i expect it to be sold out within 15 minutes.... just a guess.

nebulize

tori - toast

this pill that keeps the pain living

breathe in

ssdd. anyone read that book dreamcatcher? that's how i feel. ssdd. i did get the new tori cd a day late. i'm just not a good fan....

i have decided to hibernate again.

more later.

i'm a perfectionist and perfect is a skinned knee

breathe in

i think that my emotions are getting the best of me due to a lack of nicotine intake. damn conniving tobacco companies. last night there was an episode of the x-files where there was this transformer installed in power boxes that made people go nuts when they watched tv. it's sort of like that. its not quite a nic fit. its more of a i want to rip off your balls and stuff them down your uerethra sort of fit.

but i love the full flavor of a chemically soaked dried leaf. oh what a feeling.

breathe out

i have finally decided that the cel phone was perhaps the most petty and vainglorious invention that we as a people have ever devised. i want the convenience of ensuring my popularity while at the same time having the ability to call and have a broken conversation with someone that i could have just waited to talk to until i got home. but what about an emergency you say? well now every fuckwad thinks that a swollen left nipple is a fucking emergency that they need to call a doctor about, even if they are down at the bar swigging a few beers. you need to stay in touch with people? how about personal interaction. how about living life instead of simulating it electronically.

maybe that's why i'm not popular

sorry.. i had a thought and lost it.

this stupid place drains me

nebulize

tori - the power of orange knickers

lime green and tangerine

breathe in

sometimes i feel very alone. i have people that enjoy my company. i have people that enjoy my conversation. but in the end i just feel alone. most people get a job and have a group of friends that they met there. not me. i seem to run on others coattails, to wait for others to blaze the trail and then hop on. or maybe i don't want anyone to get too close. or maybe i just don't care if they do or not.

maybe its time to start over.

maybe its not too late.

my evil is strong, i want to do bad things

breathe in

wow.. i had my first evil lyric post. of course you all should know that i have a thing for tori, and that new song is just about everything that has been going on with me right now. it goes from the first to the last. and my dumb ass, through rejection dejection and ejection, goes back to him again. i even found a picture of him. i saved it. dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb. first love is always the best love is always the worst love.

i believe that i have really messed things up. i know it.

nebulize

the killers - smile like you mean it

sleeps with butterflies

nebulize

airplanes take you away again
are you flying above where we live?
andiI look up, a glare in my eyes
are you having regrets about last night?
i'm not, boy
i like rivers that rush in
so then i dove in
is there trouble ahead, for you, the acrobat?
i won't push you unless you have a net
you say the word
you know i will find you
or if you need some time, i don't mind
i don't hold on to the tail of your kite
i'm not like the girls that you've known
but I believe I'm worth coming home to
kiss away night
this girl only sleeps with butterflies....with butterflies.
so go on and fly then, boy
balloons look good from on the ground
i feel you
pins and needles are out
we may fall and stumble upon a carousel
it could take us anywhere
you say the word
you know I will find you
or if you need some time, i don't mind
i don't hold on to the tail of your kite
i'm not like the girls that you've known
but I believe I'm worth coming home to
kiss away night
this girl, this girl...
you say the word
you know I will find you
or if you need some time, i don't mind
i don't hold on to the tail of your kite
i'm not like the girls that you've known
but i believe i'm worth coming home to
kiss away night
this girl only sleeps with butterflies....with butterflies...with butterflies
so go on and fly, boy

swine and sweat

breathe in

i started posting on the P+E board again. i forgot how fun it really is. it just makes me feel old, especially when the high school kids get on there. lately a lot of things make me feel old. last night i was hanging out with a 21 year old, and it was like hanging out with an alien. maybe i am out of touch. maybe i am just old. old old old old old. and ugly.

breathe out

tori amos is coming out with her new album, the beekeper, which is scheduled for release tuesday. i have heard 3 songs already and i will tell you that it is an enlightening and marvelous work, or at least the portions that i have heard. the first single, sleeps with butterflies, made me cry. it made me cry. definitely a keeper. any of my peeps in denver here she will be here 4/19. if you love her cd's go see her live. its amazing.

end shameless plug.

nebulize

tori amos - sleeps with butterflies

black and blue shred in ribbons of lithium

breathe in

i can't believe that i have stuck to the whole breathe in breathe out stuff. good for me. way to stick to a format. now i just need to teach myself html, so i can really rock the mullet here.

breathe out

short posts suck

the powers of the light and the air

breathe in

more fiction i've found.... some of it slightly off topic...

ventilate(FICTION)

we always split on the concept of flesh. are we meat infused with spirit, or spirit encapsulated by meat.

he always hates it when i call it meat.

when i was young i crashed on my bike, pretty bad i gotta say. i think i was picking out gravel from my eyebrows for weeks. part of my arm had nearly been scraped down to the bone. the thing is, i didn't feel it. it's like my mind shut everything down and there wasn't any pain. sure i cried, bawled like mad just because i saw blood. people cry when they see blood all the time, especially if it's their own. i just remember seeing the meat scraped along the ground, looking a little bit like raw hamburger. if it would happen now i'd probably laugh.

regardless, thinking back i have to say that was the first time i knew that pain didn't really matter anymore. yeah sure, i still cry when i see blood, only if it's mine. but it's not because it hurts. it's because i'm angry and a little annoyed that the world would actually have the nerve to try to pull that shit on me.

i only hate it when people cry when they are scared. just because they don't see the colors doesn't mean that i should feel sorry.

i've learned that you can live without the meat. you can live without the blood. but no one can live without dignity, and if they don't have it they just flat out just don't deserve life.

he tells me i'm wrong.

if i didn't love him i would show him exactly how right i am.

2003

breathe in

so i was wandering around and i found this online... where i will not tell you because i know there are people that read this that will get a little angry about where exactly i found it. anyway, this another glimpse into the whole world, even though its sort of old.

ventilate (FICTION)

there was a bright spot on the horizon as the blood fell down his brow and colored the grey around him beautiful shades of brown and crimson. and then he realized she was dead. her eyes still smiled at him, just as they had a hundred times, and her lips still begged him to lean into them and let them envelope him and enrapture him with their touch. but her skin was so white. and then there was the knife.

"it always comes down to this, doesn't it jason," a voice says, booming behind him as the voices of gods and devils often do in dreams. "down to you and me and this last horizon, the final stage for the first act of this tiresome drama." the voice seemed to come closer, and then behind and then in front yet never quite in view.

"i have never done this before. i don't know what you are talking about. this is not me. i have not done anything wrong."and with the words a flash of light, fading into lush greens and blues swirling on every inner and outer horizon. flowers emerge from everywhere smelling sweet of lilacs and orchids. trees with brilliant greens and slightest blues rise above, a sweet mist falling down from their velvet canopy. and in the distance, he comes.

"you really don't remember me do you?" he says walking lightly forward. his steps are slow and methodic, his pace even and steady. "i bet you do not even remember her. do you boy? what is her name?"

he doesn't speak. he doesn't remember.

"won't boy. you won't remember. you can do anything you want and have always been able to. that is why you don't know me. you've already killed me boy. that's why we're here." he says amused. he steps out from the shadow and he sees the scars on his face, criscrossed and beautiful in the dappled light from the trees. a true work of art. transmorgrification. that is what he called it when he did it.

and her remembers.

"gabriel, it has been a while."

and her skin was so white.

and they are all beautiful.

an emotional landslide in physical terms

breathe in

i went and had drinks last night. there were a lot of things that happened that i shouldn't talk about, or maybe just wait a day or so to do so. but fuck, i'll do it anyway.

why is it my fucking responsibility to be your sanity? i can barely even contain my own, but you expect me to fix your life. you expect me to be your rock. i'm sorry that you can't handle the real world. stop drinking. stop sulking. live your life and don't mourn it. you make me sound like a self help guru on crack and i hate it.

and as for you, the other one. you made this problem and you knew what was going to happen. why in the fuck is it my mess to clean up? the shattered glass that has been left behind has dug a little too deep into my heels, and you keep a step ahead of me spreading out salt. this is not my mess. i never approved of this in the fucking first place, against it from the start.

and the rest of you. keep enabling. keep bitching. just let me take care of it. fuck you.

i'm not a fucking nice person, don't make me be one against my will.

nebulize

snake river conspiracy - somebody hates you

how to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself

breathe in

so i decided to yahoo my blog title. granted i knew it was a garbage song. i knew it was a novel. i give that all credit in my own special way. I FOUND 30 OTHER BLOGS/LJ'S WITH THE EXACT SAME NAME. and i thought i was sooo creative. i thought that i was special. i thought you should know.

i think thats like the first time i've used caps at all in any post on purpose.

wow, now that's cool.

breathe out

to add to the above observation, why in the hell when you google something do you always get results that are fucking 5 years old. i found my old geocities page there, and that was dismantled 2 years ago. yahoo and google are fast becoming media giants by any standard, and they should have thought of technology that will weed out sites that are just plain old. my personal favorite is when you go to one and then the owner tries to sell you the domain name. i by no means am computer saavy, but damn gina, get yourself checked before you get wrecked.

that was lame.

breathe in

dilemma: bug my friends for dollar drinks vs. go to a strange, but very nice, boy's house to make out

stay tuned for the results

nebulize

garbage - sleep together

19

ventilate(FICTION)

there are words that you can say that describe pain. there are things that you can think of that describe depravity. there are words that you can believe that mean sacrifice.

there is nothing that can reflect terror.

when i was 5 years old i saw a dog being eaten in the street by a few squirrels and a rat. it wasn't that bad really. biology class told me that it was natural and who am i to argue with the national education system. all hail the magnate. all follow the mandate.

in 1932 they knew better. in 1908 they nearly died. this is fact.

the words that follow will probably get me jailed. more than likely get me executed. if i sound nervous it's because I am. if i sound desperate, it's because i'm scared.

sometimes i don't know and sometimes i do. and that's the truth.

i found a diary about 4 years ago. no i don't know what year that would be so don't ask. since they changed the calender i really don't know anything anymore. time actually seems to be breaking down, so nothing is definite. but in this diary i found the truth about 1908, about 1932, about Jason. i found out about the magnate, i found out about the archive. i think i know the truth. it all started in siberia.

nebulize

garbage - stroke of luck

fallen: how to lose your wings in 12 easy steps

breathe in

that fucking helicopter again at the exact same time.

i shall kill. yes i will.

actually i had another purpose for this. i was going to explain some of the fiction for some of you that just don't know me that well. i have had this same story running through my head since i was like 16. i have written crappy poetry, on the fly episodes, and one really good, in my opinion, short story that all lay the groundwork for some of the stuff that you see here. its great that i have the concept, but i don't have the patience and i just can't get into their world often enough for me to really turn it in to the next great novel. so if you have the desire, read all the different ventilate sections and you will see that there are a couple of recurring characters and scenes. i know that they don't make sense, but in a sick way they are all right in their place in my head. yeah thats how fucked up i am. like the email one, which i still need to go and edit because there are a whole bunch of typos, on the outside you might not know how it fits in to the two people on the train, which doesn't quite fit in with the girl in the gypsy caravan, which really doesn't relate to the doorway between worlds and what the fuck is the shit with the council, or the magnate. who is jason, who is gabriel, who is michael, who is vyvyan. i will tell you one thing. they are all bad people. there is only one person in these stories on this page that i would say has multiple redeeming qualities, and i won't tell you who that is. lets just say i do have a draft going of a rewrite of the very first dream i had about this. and yes, all of these have been inspired by dreams. bad ones.

lets give you a hint. just a little one...

ventilate(FICTION)

there is a house on lincoln. you know the one with the dirt lot for a front lawn. its not really that bad of a house, may need some repairs but otherwise its in pretty good shape. i heard that there was one of those murder suicide things in there, you know some guy pops his wife and the puts one in his forehead out of guilt. that's why it won't sell.

when i was little we used to walk past there everyday and look in the windows and everything. there's still furniture in there, but most of it looks like there is a four inch pile of dust on it. it never really scared me, but some of the other kids would say its haunted or that stuff. they used to dare people to crawl in the basement window, it was broken and just big enough for your average 12 year old to squeeze through. i did it once and didn't really see anything. i did find one cool thing.

i walked through the upstairs part. i remember that the floors were really creaky, like obnoxious loud. it was well lit because it was like 4 in the afternoon and none of the windows were boarded up. like i said not scary. there was this long hallway and at the end it turned a corner into a room. that room was the only room in the house that didn't have anything. no carpets, no furniture, nothing. well not quite. in the center was this weird looking stove, like one of those woodburning ones. it was black, and the only really weird thing was that it looked like someone had removed the chimney. on the side there was a plaque, just had the letters b.r.d.n. i always remember that. anyway, i just thought it was funny looking, it just didn't look right. still, wasn't creepy or anything. i opened the little latch in the front and looked in. that's where i found the knife.

i still can see it just like that day. the knife was the most beautiful thing that i had ever seen. it was silver and gleamed like it had just been polished. i guess since it was in that stove it had been protected from the dust that had settled in the rest of the house. it wasn't all fancy or anything, just smooth and, i guess, pretty.

no this is the weird part. i walked back down, knife in hand, and in the front room of the house there was this guy. he smiled at me, and i remember i didn't feel scared, even then. he just smiled. he told me his name was jason and he thanked me for getting his knife. he walked up, sorta messed up my hair, then he asked if i wanted to sit down. i remember looking out the front window, and all the kids i had been with were gone. he told me they had went home like 20 minutes before, that i had been in the house for over an hour. he came in to check on me when i didn't come out. he told me that this was a very dangerous place and that i was very brave for coming in here by myself. i never really got that. he then told me that this was just the first time that we were to meet, and there would be two other times, and not to be surprised when i saw him again. i will never forget him. he was tall and blonde and muscular. he looked like a model or something. i think his hair was highlights to tell the truth. then he like stood up, and his smile went away. he told me i had to leave.

next thing i knew i was walking home. i didn't remember leaving the house, or what happened until i was like a block away from my house. i've never really told anyone that story before. but its just weird. when i met you tonight i just couldn't stop thinking about that day. sorry if that sounds weird. it's just that you are just the hottest guy that i have seen here in a long time, and i don't know you are just so easy to talk to. you are such a good listener. sorry, i know i'm psycho.

"that doesn't sound weird at all, kent. now tell me about your friend jonas. and while you're at it can i have his email address?"

there are other worlds than these

breathe in

there has been this fucking helicopter that has been circling the neighborhood every day and its really getting on my nerves. i understand that increased police presence is a plus in this area, but come on, how many fucking criminals are you going to catch circling around at 10 pm on a fucking thursday. fuck fuck fuck! i have a headache, my body hurts and i don't know if i'm hungry or not. and i still have to walk down the street later too. fuck! i hate this shit.

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

i told my so called roommate last night that i want him out. he didn't like that. i said that he needs to find a place by the beginning of march. i mean he can afford to go to chicago in march he can afford to get the hell out of here. sure its been nice to have the little bit of extra cash, but i can't jack off when i want, i can't have 'friends' over when i want, i can't even take a shit when i want. plus he eats all the damn food. i figure that if i just don't go out and buy food he won't eat me out of house and home.

god i'm bitchy today.

breathe out

i saw the most surreal thing yesterday. i mean, i know it was ash wednesday, but to see like a whole city block of people that have black crosses on their forehead is a little unsettling. i mean, there is no edict against whiping the crap off once you walk out the door. if you truly believe in the backwards superstitious practice in the first place you know that the holy spirit doesn't give a shit if you keep ashes on your forhead for the rest of the day so you can proudly proclaim to your coworkers and friends 'yes i am loved by the catholic god and his puppet the pope'. and christ, a fucking ocean of them swarming the streets with what looks like the mark of the beast on their foreheads. reminds me of the stephen king book insomnia, where the main character sees these deathmarks on people floating around them.

oh yeah and this whole lent crap. give me a break. sure i'll give up something for lent. perfect. i'll give up sleeping with women. that will be perfect. or how about i'll give up sobriety.

breathe in

someone told me that my blog was a little to angsty. fucking right it is. and if the person that said that reads this, you can take my angst and stick it up your ass.

whew i feel better.

jenny was a friend of mine

breathe in

i was told about a week ago that i wasn't allowed to talk about some things and i said i wouldn't. well i will uphold that as a matter of principle. in a sense. no reason i can't talk around it. no reason i can't complain about it. no reason i can't rant and rave. that's what this is for isn't it. anyway, i have a rep to protect.

but on the other hand, my apathy is strong. and i just don't care that much. i'd rather masturbate. yeah i think thats what i'll do. i'll build my own fantasy.... lets see. i'll start off by meeting someone i have a bunch in common with that comes off as very charming and a little dirty. then we'll go to my house and make out. we'll roll around a bit, ignoring the detox twitches and the squeeking of the futon. yeah that was hot.

now thats over, i'll watch my tape of all my children. maggie is breaking up with jonathan due to the fact that there is an aspect of his life that she is uncomfortable with, albeit its only temporary and sorta meaningless. poor jonathan just doesn't understand. plus she just sort of springs it on him, especially since the day before she was doting over him like a schoolgirl. but wait a minute, while he was gone she had a rendezvous with a friend and they shared a kiss. could that have something to do with it? i guess i'll have to stay tuned for the results.

i wonder what i'll do when i go out tonight? maybe i'll go out with my friend and maybe i'll run into someone that i used to date and we can antagonize him a little bit so i can watch him squirm. that'll be fun.

ahhh... good times.

breathe out

everytime i look up something, no matter which search engine i use, i come up with the same five results. sure, there aren't that many websites on hollow earth theory that aren't trying to sell some quacks self published book by just regurgitating a chapter as a teaser. but i still can't believe that there are only five of them out there. yeah you get hundreds of results, most of which are different sections of the same website. i guess the internet search engine was built more for sci fi geeks looking up porn and brittney spears. than people doing personal research for their neverending serialized novel.

ventilate (FICTION)

the wagons stopped just outside the small village. winter had been unusually warm that year and most of the populace actually didn't make their seasonal migrations to the warmer south, but still it was unusual to have visitors at all that time of year. from inside the center wagon a pair of eyes stared out into the frozen wastes surrounding the village. she had been with the gypsies for over three years now, and still had not gotten over the sense of wonder that came with every strange new land that their modest caravan would stumble across on their neverending journey.

the men had already begun to unbridle the horses and anchor the wagons. some of the women scavenged the countryside for what little burnable timber and kindling was available. the members of the family, albeit mose were barely related if at all, moved in a silent waltz that she had seen hundreds of times. soon, she knew, the people of the village would venture out, looking to trade in exotic wares or hear stories from the west, and inevitable trade their finest animals and goods for gaudy imitation italian tapestries or some other cheap fallacy.

(continue later, didn't realise i was running late)

nebulize

garbage - vow