raising arizona

breathe in

i've thought a lot about karma in the past few days, and karma has nothing but a fucking twisted sense of humor.

i became so stressed out i lost my voice. it wasn't alcohol or cigarettes or any other body damaging vices; those i kept in check. just at one point, i couldn't speak. maybe it was psychosomatic, and it was my higher self knowing that the foul thoughts that were circling my head should never be spoken like the infinite names of cthulu. or conversely, maybe i knew i had said enough, damning most with half sermons even hypocrites like ted haggard would be proud of.

(for example, at one point over the past week i announced that if someone had come hundreds of miles to embarrass themselves and everyone around them then they should all go to their hotel rooms now satisfied with a big fat mission accomplished, and if they needed any other motivation my foot in their ass was a handy option.)

now, alone for the first time discounting sleep in 2 weeks, i get electronic pleas for forgiveness. thanks for your hospitality....sorry you can't go to that bar for a few weeks... i meant i love you like a brother... i'm sure he'll speak to you in a couple weeks... just tell them i did it... i'll make it up to you....

am i bitter and selfish if i don't forgive? am i wrong to want to punish those that have wronged?

i know it sounds like gay drama, but i'm honestly not prone to that in real life, i just play a disgruntled fag on tv. i shouldn't care about my reputation, my social standing, but i do. and when i'm associated with a herd of drunk guys who don't realize that denver really is a mile high and unless you live here you should really watch your intake, or have my connections look at me sideways because i associate with the type that can't walk around the bar without exaggerating their inebriation, is that reason enough to condemn and chastise because it inconvenienced me?

if you didn't live your life right the first time, don't make me relive it all in one weekend as a learning experience.

nebulize

big wheel - tori

its an ordinary day...

breathe in

something feels hollow. i don't know quite what it is yet (feer the creep), but i just know that something isn't right here.

no this isn't another ill thought out semi-political tirade. its just me. being frumpy. sometimes i just want to be frumpy, to sit at home and be this way.

and i have this nice little place to share it all with you.

breathe out

why do i focus so much on going to the bar? why do i focus on this endless pursuit of spirits and acceptance. mabye its in my rearing. maybe its society. maybe i just want a beer.

nebulize

peeping tom - mojo

i like pizza

breathe in

aa is good. aa keeps me happy.

aa is playing kingdom hearts right now behind me.

nebulize

the presets - are you the one?

eyes on the balcony

breathe in

i write stories. it's what i do. i spin a yarn about this boy and this cock and who had whose mouth on his whatsit and all the other juicy details. let's tell a true story.

right now i just feel alone.

and thats the truth. choo choo.

nebulize

joan osbourne - ladder

and there is sweet pain

breathe in

it comes in waves. this little bit of autobiographical stuff. it comes and i exaggerate.

it comes.

nebulize

bt- dark heart dawning

the best of friends lie dormant... and then lie some more

breathe in

love is a complicated monster. i say monster not because i'm afraid of love, not because i shun love, but because i don't truly understand love. i come to realise that because of love i have become frightened and sheltered and that i cower in corners waiting the next unexpected turn, waiting for the next scare. i say monster because it is the fear that i understand, its the horrible fear that i accept.

i don't like it when my friends are in love.

i doubt it. i get jealous. i get mad.

as c would say... this is something that could be grand, but i don't have the patience or the motive to go any further. i'm just a little intimidated.

breathe out

it's fun to believe. its fun to pretend. its fun to go out and get blitzed.

nebulize

tori - famous blue raincoat

straight, never forward

breathe in

its been a while friends. i can be shy if i want to. i miss you all. and short sentances usually hide the truth so its all fun.

i need to bite my tongue every time he talks about rent. you know who. that jobless thing that doesn't realize that i've paid good money to live here. that thing that makes me cringe.

WHO ARE YOU????

its alright really. i just smile and nod and hope that the next life is better than this. hope that maybe one day i fall and no one catches me and sweet oblivion gives me a kiss and a hug and says its gonna be ok...

breathe out

tequila mockingbird has the best les singer in 8 million years. its true... thirty helens agree.

nebulize

my chemical romance - helena

venomous diamonds

ventilate

they heard the train in the distance, smelled the toxicity of its smoke, felt the rumble of steel against steele against wind shaking their knees. there was a fog, that morning fog that makes your stomach do loops in anticipation of the light that dispels, the light that heals. a midmorning fog, like liquid diamonds, a hazy crystalline rainbow of color and shadow. and behind the lingering voices of the arcology, the merchants, prophets and militants that trailed them, and eventually pursued them.

jonas stopped.

to my kind reader, i note this occasion. there are moments that shine like blazing beacons in the empty hallways of history, that live on in the collective memory in the form of legend and myth. some sing songs of deeds so gallant, or so heinous. those moments creep into the deepest dreams of sweet lovers lost, or conversely into the thousand blackened fangs of the darkest terror. they become spoken word handed down attached to names of power like achilles or tepes. somehow the overwhelming glory of that moment, that place, touches upon all moments, all places, and rings through the spaces between, a sort of subtle vibration between worlds. felt by all and recognized by few.

there was a mark made when jonas spoke that day. the others stopped and hearing this cocked their heads as a dog to the sounds of the dead. as he spoke his eyes shone like polished glass, reflective yet revealing.

i could repeat the words, but their power would be lost, the occasion rent asunder by grammar and assumption. to some they were beautiful, and will be found in gospels and hymns after the stigma of his deed comes to pass.

but as he spoke, from somewhere above them a sound like a horn blew through the horizon. around them the trembling earth began to lose solidarity. a rumble, the approach of a train. Ariel clung to Tethriel, her head rested on his shoulder in a pose of comfort and fear, a rampart against the gale force of what was to come. the others huddled frightened, awed and terrified by the gravity of the word, and of the forces that consumed them.

"a wise leader said once that when you are suffering, know that i have betrayed you. i don't think that's half wrong." his face contorted then into an almost scowl, the words seeming a pain to say.

that's when judith ran, and, at that moment, jonas went quite mad.

dreams of a lonely man

ventilate

this tower is falling...

i hear the eaves breaking down, pillars and foundations floundering. of course, its nothing really. nothing really happens. like michael tells me it's all in my head. imagination. fantasy.

then there is a groan, a sigh of wood and steele. it is a hollow sound, layered with the stress of the centuries, a transition of light and pain. It is a quiet thing.

She told me yesterday that she didn't need me.

It was a cold night and we, staring at the sunst somewhere over that Cormanian boundary, were discussing today, tomorrow, time and its final designations. There was such force behind the words, the tails of g's and the dots on j's stinging my cheeks, x's leaving red brands on my chest, a v imprinted on my heart. her name isn't even lettered that way. i tried to fend them off with b's and d's and so much to divert the blows that the curves of s's couldn't stop, only to leave a black and broken husk, only a pile of worthless e's comfort in the storm.

*dcj*

polar bears made sense to me

breathe in

in the event that i was wronged....he deals...he does....and i have fucking photos


in the event the he was wronged.... you need to pick them better



nebulize

garbage - why do you love me

i can't see a tower and a triangle, but damn do i see stars

breathe in

i went on gay.com tonight just to see how far a former legitimate chat site has sunk into the depths of hookup hell. it was pretty far. i had a great friend ask me if i would let him service me. another guy, who by the way wouldn't give me the time of day at the bar, tell me that he saw me tonight and wants to fuck my sweet ass.

men.

just thought i would give a late night shout out to all you peeps who aren't looking for a quick fuck.

if i want one of those i can go to charlie's.

nebulize

lauren christy - boomerang bang

i just want to be loved... is that so wrong..

breathe in

sobriety post aside, i have this sneaking creepy suspicion that i am going to get bombed out of my gord tonight. call it intuition. call it divine intervention.

hell, call it i want to see j, s, c, b, p, and all the others and feel like i matter.

is it sad when all your friends work at a bar? i mean sure they serve you drinks, and only charge you half of the time so thats a bonus. but honestly i have a good time with those boys. they put a smile on my face before the blitz settles in and then keep it going. i don't think i end up closing the bar because of the booze, because honestly there are times when i don't have a drink for 2 hours. i think i stay there because i am going to miss that one magic moment when everything is perfect and we all look at each other and just say 'wow, it's been a good day'.

i miss feeling like that. i miss having that warm support. i miss playing nhl 99 and acting like i didn't know how to play and then kicking everyone's ass and winning the tourney. i miss diablo 2. i miss mirrorshades and broomsticks. i miss orgotek. i miss the dark symmetry. i miss chasing the dog out to the lake. i miss frankenkitty. i miss p's foot rubs. i miss mushroom pizza. i miss the carnivorous beanbag. i miss the 4-9 amusement hour. i miss the tower and the barrel of beer. i miss the sprinkler and the shopping cart. i miss poe on the roof. i miss elevators and head bumps. i miss four rooms and squares. i miss turtle blood and hair parties.

i think that i have wiped my past clean so many times that it comes rushing back with much more force as i get older. faces and regrets and downright lies stare at me and accuse and judge and belittle.

i want them all back, and i don't even know if that is possible.

so like i said... there is a pretty good chance that someone is getting schnockered tonight, and i'll give you one guess who that is.

addiction didn't create this alcoholic.

regret did.

breathe out

i want to be a popular blogger. i want someone to see my blog and go ' oh my god he is the smartest man alive, lets put his sperm in the smithsonian'.

actually i just want someone to link my blog to their website just to make me feel cool.

fuck - at least i'm honest!

breathe in

i had the coolest psuedo waking dream on the bus on the way to work today. i was listening to haunted and this vision of a really cool video came to me. i would put it in the ventilate posts, but its not really a story, more of a video for the song, and also a take on mark z's book. i envision as the song starts showing a guy driving a car, maybe like an old school chevelle, standard, a sort of primer greenish gray. in the passenger seat there are polaroid photos of houses, all sorts like on the disc for the album. when she starts singing, the camera actually goes into one of the pictures and shows a woman in a house. a little girl runs past her and she smiles. she is sort of cleaning or something and notices the little girl gone and a door where there wasn't one in the last shot, open and nothing but darkness. the camera goes into the door and pans out of a mans eye, and as we get the full shot he is enraged and screaming. this is the chorus now. the woman from before and this man are screaming at each other and throwing various keepsakes at each other. the little girl stares on while they obliviously argue, the camera closing in on her as the chorus ends, going into one of the black squares on her little dress. 2nd verse, camera pulls out of the black and back into the car. the guy in the car is driving slowly down a tree lined street, with a picture in his hand, he pulls up in front of the house from the photo and the camera zooms in the door. (and these shadows keep on changing). 2nd chorus you see the woman entering the door and running down an infinitely deep and dark corridor, supposedly yelling out the little girls name, running faster until she gets to a door and the bridge starts. she opens it to see her ?husband? sitting alone in the darkness, terrified. as she tries to approach he keeps scooting back in horror. (i will always miss you) at the climax of the song the darkness sweeps in all around him as he screams, sucking him in. she is sort of pushed back and the door is closed in front of her. she turns around, herself frightend for the 3rd verse. now the hallway is filled with doors. she frantically opens one after the other, looking in and seeing nothing. she finally emerges out in the house that begins to start shaking. (3rd chorus) the floorboards are bursting up, almost in claw shapes. she is avoiding them and looks up and sees her daughter in a closet sort of area. she runs over, avoiding the ruptures in the floor, grabs the girl and rushes out the front door, narrowly missing being hurt or grabbed by the house at all turns. she has her daughter in her arms and she is weeping as she steps out on the lawn, collapsing to her knees. the camera pans out to the guy in the car, holding a polaroid of the house which he has now set on fire, and throws out the window. the woman watches as the car drives away. song fade. ba da ba pa.

i know that was long but i had to write it all together or else it wouldn't flow right from my head.

just a cool thought for a 5 year old song.

nebulize

poe - haunted