it is heavy as it seems

breathe in

its official. its always been official. there is some sort of fascination in the brilliance of dimness, some sort of fixation with unattainable youth.

i saw my future, my past and my present in a living room watching reba today.

my future slept underneath me, wanting to be held and pushing away everything that wanted to hold him, locking one out with his words, the other behind doors and body pillows.

my past sat next to me, his lips and eyes and his dull wit screaming at me, reminding me of who i am, whatever i have become. it screamed why.

my present just screamed, slammed doors, and begged for just something more.

yes clyde. it is as heavy as it seems.

breathe out

no teenage flinch

nebulize

tori - siren

splinters and gopher wood

breathe in

didn't drink enough tonight to counteract 16 hours of sleep. so i've been working on the dhp (more to come) and catching up on my late night craziness. oh... and this

nebulize

three

gravel - ani difranco
you and i both - jason mraz
precious illusions - alanis morissette
your cloud - tori amos
burnt like you - skin
that day - poe
i don't love you - my chemical romance
the reflecting god - marilyn manson
straight - veruca salt
heaven sent - esthero
jenny i read - concrete blonde
jenny was a friend of mine - the killers
pardon me - incubus
shut your mouth - garbage
everlong - foo fighters
sorta fairytale (demo) - tori amos

neverstill

famous last words - my chemical romance
long way to happy - pink
endless dream - conjure one
zero point - tori amos
without you i'm nothing - placebo
cannonball - damien rice
song for holly - esthero
paris - bt
mechanical animals - marilyn manson
animal - pearl jam
deadwood - garbage
hyperballad - bjork
disenchanted - my chemical romance

i shoot with my mind

in 1943, eddie slovik decided that the war flat out scared him, and that if he was ordered to go on the front lines he would rather run away than die a certain death as cannonfodder. he expressed this to his commanding officer, and when denied did so to the officer above that, and so on from what we know.

ordered to be a part of the front lines in a surely losing battle, eddie ran. in 1944 eddie was discovered in the french woods, rather shellshocked and frightened for his life.

"All the men I knew and trained with have been killed." These were his words to the loyalist that found him. "I'm lonely.... The shells seem to come closer all the time and I can't stand them."

The soldier that discovered him convinced him that if he turned himself in that the U.S. Army (hallowed be thy name) would forgive his trespasses and after a courtmarshall send him, albeit dishonorably, home.

Soon after slovik was granted the dubious distinction as being the last person in our nation's history to be convicted and executed of desertion.

i empathize with eddie, not as he was but as he is now, as he sits with the dark specters of herod, nero, hirohito, or winston churchill in the shadows of darkened greatness. dissent with a higher purpose, darkness in pursuit of a somewhat loftier strain either through madness, conformity, or dictation summed up in an act of bold cowardice in the midst of worldwide conflict.

in the stories of the serialized graphic novel the sandman the moral that is prevalant is that each person, each intellectual entity, has the freedom to say no, and inevitably the freedom to give in, to give it all away. nero, through the insanities of the roman state and the incestuous royals he was innoculated with, publicized his scandals as much for the education of the public as for his own self immolation. hirohito admitted the weakness of his society in the face of a western tsunami of alien cultural norms that ultimately would overpower him unless he joined with them to slow them to a gentle ebb and flow. herod protected his sovereignity, and thereby his kingdom, by supressing a bloodthirsty blessed heritage that had once decimated the populace of his kingdom and was prophesized to do so once again, to no avail. churchill made deals with devils and false prophets to secure a way of life for future generations at the cost of a near genocide and a slaughter of innocents.

eddie spoke up so we can now. his supposed cowardice has become our strength, his treachery our dogma. his name doesn't echo as those others, and some may even label those as evil. but he did a similar service. he provided us with direction on how, or how not to, use our voices to fight back.

eddie has been lost to history, although his name will be remembered by those of us that know the truth, those of us that have sacrificed the status quo to make a point, to be an example.

mind you all, this is the same backwards thinking that got me almost kicked out of college.

in summation, my heroes are those that have broken the mold, for better or worse, whose actions have actually made it possible for me to write these words. i don't want to descend into madness like nero or herod, or wallow in egomania like churchill or hirohito, i want to learn from their darkness and strive to live in twilight.

(note: this was written all in one sitting, and i'm sure that once i come back a 20 page treatise entitled 'why barbie is bad' is forthcoming, followed by 'ken's plastic adventure')

the devil was an idea

breathe in

i've been hibernating. not just from the outside world, but from the internal world i've created online and beyond. is it guilt? not really. is it remorse? not quite. is it shame? always, but not this time.

i just have actually enjoyed being alone, a separatist of sorts. i immerse myself in my work, thankless as it is. i play with logic puzzles and soduko, crosswords and acrostics. plus, kitty ate two of the cords that connect me to the outside world.

i was on another blog, which i wish i could reference but can't because the lords of this site are scared of outside influence, that talked about an experiment with occult ideas gone wrong, scientific mutilations blamed on danish aliens and freemasons, that made me think of my own cultural experiments, and their blackened cheek backfires.

am i that horrible?

it is a question i ask all the time. i examine my deeds and illusions and wonder if that is what the mirror of society perceives me as, some newtime crowley with his head in his hands. i have my own devils dictionary, my own wonder and wimsy. who are you? it comes late at night like this, yellow roads and ruby slippers all bundled up.

i think of the number 3, and how it haunts me. 3 years, the constant of my pain, 3 mouths, the motivation.

breathe out

and i babble like this.

a reflective glance is much better than a full body mirror of a lifetime of grief.


nebulize

boom boom satellites - on the painted desert

crawling through tight windowells

breathe in

i have never quite been good at this. i had a friend recently who has expressed the same feelings that i feel right now, and i made fun of him. it is still sorta strange.

but i can tell you now, there is such a thing as a relationship without sex.

breathe out

i get good gut feelings about things. if law enforcement would have listened to me 10 years ago this whole jon-benet thing would have been solved. look to an old man who crashed their party a few nights before. look to fingerprints on the 2nd floor. ask this creepy karr guy where he got all his super top secret info from. oh and someone has a guilty conscience, look for an unsolved murder in montana and then karr will go to jail.

maybe i should start putting all my predictions on here. that would be cool

eyes on the balcony

breathe in

i write stories. it's what i do. i spin a yarn about this boy and this cock and who had whose mouth on his whatsit and all the other juicy details. let's tell a true story.

right now i just feel alone.

and thats the truth. choo choo.

nebulize

joan osbourne - ladder

and there is sweet pain

breathe in

it comes in waves. this little bit of autobiographical stuff. it comes and i exaggerate.

it comes.

nebulize

bt- dark heart dawning

the best of friends lie dormant... and then lie some more

breathe in

love is a complicated monster. i say monster not because i'm afraid of love, not because i shun love, but because i don't truly understand love. i come to realise that because of love i have become frightened and sheltered and that i cower in corners waiting the next unexpected turn, waiting for the next scare. i say monster because it is the fear that i understand, its the horrible fear that i accept.

i don't like it when my friends are in love.

i doubt it. i get jealous. i get mad.

as c would say... this is something that could be grand, but i don't have the patience or the motive to go any further. i'm just a little intimidated.

breathe out

it's fun to believe. its fun to pretend. its fun to go out and get blitzed.

nebulize

tori - famous blue raincoat

fraud and the upside down benefits

breathe in

i've decided that it doesn't really pay to bitch about work. sure, to most of us work is the thing that keeps our belly's full and our mouths full of vodka, but after you put in your 8 hours or so it should be the end. so then why do i go out with work friends and proceed to talk about work for about 13 drinks? it just doesn't make sense. of course, nothing good ever comes of getting that drunk with work friends. somehow somebody's mouth ends up where it shouldn't, or a hand or some other body part i don't even know the name for.

so i won't talk about work. although lately going out has been a lot of work.

breathe out

i find that since i got out of my last situation that there is a myriad of others that seem to be lying at my feet waiting to be picked up. its too easy to fall into addiction, avarice, sloth and any number of mortal sins after your soul has been wiped clean by late night contemplation and riding the bus with winos at midnight. sure, my purity hasn't returned, although i have thought about getting that surgery that will replace your hymen, but i feel and have felt for the past few weeks that in a sense i have been cleansed. now i just need to clean my room and we'll be golden baby.

breathe in

i need to go see a concert. live music. something. anyone know of something hot to do next friday night let me know.

nebulize

garbage - metal heart

i gave the benefit of the doubt its true

breathe in

looking for a job is ever so tiresome. even more tiresome is the fact that you know that you are overqualified and people aren't hiring you because of that simple reason. and you don't have a degree in beer bongs... er... i mean business or psychology. i need to start my own business. i need to be the captain of my own destiny.

i need enough money for a pack of cigarettes.

i know that this has to end in the next week because if it doesn't i will have to slit my throat while my head is in my gas oven after i have taken a bottle of aspirin washed down by a bottle of mad dog laced with comet cleanser. knowing my luck they would all cancel each other out and i would end up with 3 million in medical bills. i have seen all these 'are you gay and do you masturbate' type posters for medical studies but they don't pay, they just give you free drugs and shit.... ah well life.

breathe out

its time to talk about celebrity and what makes a celebrity. i know its my massive obsession with television rearing its ugly head again but its been on my mind. is tawny kitaen still a celebrity? according to e! true hollywood story she is. is carey hart not that much of a celebrity? according to vh1's the surreal life he is. inked is by far my new favorite show, aside from my erotic obsession with tattoos, and i know that carey hart is sorta becoming like how tony hawk was to my youth, a sort of non-celeb legend that really is a celeb. would anybody be saying anything about tom cruise if he wasn't dating katie holmes but rather, some producer chick who at one time was behind the scenes of some show like cheers. probably not. i know celeb obsession is about living vicariously, but how much of it is just manufactured or trumped up reality we'll never know. personally i would like to hear a celeb come out with a step by step guide on how to take a shit without distressing your colon too much.

breathe in

kudos to sem.... talk to ya soon. and there is another ventilate on the way. now that i don't have to stream it and run i have been actually working on something much longer and comprehensive... stay tuned.

nebulize

poe - control

lungs and water and the effects thereafter

breathe in

i haven't felt this way in a long time. i should just say that, because i had a longer sentence that sounded like utter bullshit. you know. drunk sort of stupid shit. i should say that i saw him and wanted so bad just to tell him that i could relate... now that its not so bad. now that i have at least something that i can offer him besides bedside sarcasm and a note saying see you next week. i could say that i'm independently wealthy... that would go over good.

i could say that i love him.

i could sit here and write about it and never do a fucking thing because the coward that i am won't let me admit those things basic to my being.

what did i say before... its only flesh.

i think i'll start reading clive barker again

superficial smiles and something dirty

breathe in

when you look in someones eyes and know that it was supposed to be you.... and you know that they are going home with someone much hotter and well.... more equipped.... what do you do? you smile and blame it on the weather. you blame it on circumstance..

i just blame it on me.

i think clive barker said it best.... its just flesh.

nebulize

the cardigans - my favourite game

sickening sighs and sweet overtures of you

breathe in

i sometimes fall behind. i sometimes think that this can be nothing more than anything else and i fall. i think that i can come back and try. i think and i fall and i dimly remember that none of this is quite what i had planned.

sounds like a bunch of emo shit but it is what's on my mind right now.

breathe out

i don't do drugs. ok a little. ok used to be a lot but still i don't do them anymore. that much.

i think that when a drug dealer accuses you of stealing from him that he doesn't trust you. just a thought.

nebulize

madonna - secret

creating darkness from a spoonful of wonder

breathe in

this has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. and i wasn't even working.

yes i lost my job. it was bound to happen. hell it needed to happen. they didn't have to be such assholes about it. but just to say that i put it out for the whole world to know....

CONTACT ONE CALL CENTER CAN LICK MY NUTS. BRIAN MCDONOUGH CAN TAKE HIS GLASS EYE AND GIVE HIMSELF A RECTAL EXAM WITH IT. RANDI MERRILL CAN GIVE BIRTH TO THE ANTICHRIST.

and that makes me happy. that's the wonderful thing about blogs. i can write anything i damn well want and no one can do shit to me.

i hope they rot in hell.

on a brighter note, i think i already have another job. 4 days isn't that bad i don't think. i did work my tail off tho.

breathe out

jacko goes to jury. i wish i wrote headlines for such lofty media sources like time, newsweek and the godlike entertainment tonight. the verdict in this case will once again disillusion the western world, while fueling the flames of hatred from our eastern counterparts. we can't even punish our own criminals. hell we can't even define what is a criminal act anymore.

things were easier when you went to jail for looking funny and you had to fuck your honey through a hole in a sheet.

nebulize

sarah mclaughlin- fallen

i just want to be loved... is that so wrong..

breathe in

sobriety post aside, i have this sneaking creepy suspicion that i am going to get bombed out of my gord tonight. call it intuition. call it divine intervention.

hell, call it i want to see j, s, c, b, p, and all the others and feel like i matter.

is it sad when all your friends work at a bar? i mean sure they serve you drinks, and only charge you half of the time so thats a bonus. but honestly i have a good time with those boys. they put a smile on my face before the blitz settles in and then keep it going. i don't think i end up closing the bar because of the booze, because honestly there are times when i don't have a drink for 2 hours. i think i stay there because i am going to miss that one magic moment when everything is perfect and we all look at each other and just say 'wow, it's been a good day'.

i miss feeling like that. i miss having that warm support. i miss playing nhl 99 and acting like i didn't know how to play and then kicking everyone's ass and winning the tourney. i miss diablo 2. i miss mirrorshades and broomsticks. i miss orgotek. i miss the dark symmetry. i miss chasing the dog out to the lake. i miss frankenkitty. i miss p's foot rubs. i miss mushroom pizza. i miss the carnivorous beanbag. i miss the 4-9 amusement hour. i miss the tower and the barrel of beer. i miss the sprinkler and the shopping cart. i miss poe on the roof. i miss elevators and head bumps. i miss four rooms and squares. i miss turtle blood and hair parties.

i think that i have wiped my past clean so many times that it comes rushing back with much more force as i get older. faces and regrets and downright lies stare at me and accuse and judge and belittle.

i want them all back, and i don't even know if that is possible.

so like i said... there is a pretty good chance that someone is getting schnockered tonight, and i'll give you one guess who that is.

addiction didn't create this alcoholic.

regret did.

breathe out

i want to be a popular blogger. i want someone to see my blog and go ' oh my god he is the smartest man alive, lets put his sperm in the smithsonian'.

actually i just want someone to link my blog to their website just to make me feel cool.

fuck - at least i'm honest!

breathe in

i had the coolest psuedo waking dream on the bus on the way to work today. i was listening to haunted and this vision of a really cool video came to me. i would put it in the ventilate posts, but its not really a story, more of a video for the song, and also a take on mark z's book. i envision as the song starts showing a guy driving a car, maybe like an old school chevelle, standard, a sort of primer greenish gray. in the passenger seat there are polaroid photos of houses, all sorts like on the disc for the album. when she starts singing, the camera actually goes into one of the pictures and shows a woman in a house. a little girl runs past her and she smiles. she is sort of cleaning or something and notices the little girl gone and a door where there wasn't one in the last shot, open and nothing but darkness. the camera goes into the door and pans out of a mans eye, and as we get the full shot he is enraged and screaming. this is the chorus now. the woman from before and this man are screaming at each other and throwing various keepsakes at each other. the little girl stares on while they obliviously argue, the camera closing in on her as the chorus ends, going into one of the black squares on her little dress. 2nd verse, camera pulls out of the black and back into the car. the guy in the car is driving slowly down a tree lined street, with a picture in his hand, he pulls up in front of the house from the photo and the camera zooms in the door. (and these shadows keep on changing). 2nd chorus you see the woman entering the door and running down an infinitely deep and dark corridor, supposedly yelling out the little girls name, running faster until she gets to a door and the bridge starts. she opens it to see her ?husband? sitting alone in the darkness, terrified. as she tries to approach he keeps scooting back in horror. (i will always miss you) at the climax of the song the darkness sweeps in all around him as he screams, sucking him in. she is sort of pushed back and the door is closed in front of her. she turns around, herself frightend for the 3rd verse. now the hallway is filled with doors. she frantically opens one after the other, looking in and seeing nothing. she finally emerges out in the house that begins to start shaking. (3rd chorus) the floorboards are bursting up, almost in claw shapes. she is avoiding them and looks up and sees her daughter in a closet sort of area. she runs over, avoiding the ruptures in the floor, grabs the girl and rushes out the front door, narrowly missing being hurt or grabbed by the house at all turns. she has her daughter in her arms and she is weeping as she steps out on the lawn, collapsing to her knees. the camera pans out to the guy in the car, holding a polaroid of the house which he has now set on fire, and throws out the window. the woman watches as the car drives away. song fade. ba da ba pa.

i know that was long but i had to write it all together or else it wouldn't flow right from my head.

just a cool thought for a 5 year old song.

nebulize

poe - haunted