it is heavy as it seems

breathe in

its official. its always been official. there is some sort of fascination in the brilliance of dimness, some sort of fixation with unattainable youth.

i saw my future, my past and my present in a living room watching reba today.

my future slept underneath me, wanting to be held and pushing away everything that wanted to hold him, locking one out with his words, the other behind doors and body pillows.

my past sat next to me, his lips and eyes and his dull wit screaming at me, reminding me of who i am, whatever i have become. it screamed why.

my present just screamed, slammed doors, and begged for just something more.

yes clyde. it is as heavy as it seems.

breathe out

no teenage flinch

nebulize

tori - siren

hijacking the sun

breathe in

i've been thinking about lucifer lately. i've cruised the sites of philosophical and theosophical luciferians, the mindless opposition of the religious right, and the historical essays by entymoligical scholars. i've seen a progression from proper noun, to adjective, to concept, back to proper noun as history dictates the black and white of religion and secular science. the word itself, in essence, is light. its reflected planetary positions, the lamp of the suns, the origin of the stars, and a fallen shadow that plots agains all morality. lucifer is a word of power, no doubt, as ancient as yhwh or baal, zeus or osiris. it has been transfigured into a literary figure, from biblical interpretations to milton, and most recently a comic book. say lucifer and you trigger a reaction, an ancestral memory or a modern moral crusade. objectively, it can be said that on certain levels, we all strive toward a luciferian existence, and maybe thats why they hate him so much.

breath out

i want to be divine light, regardless of who i piss off.

nebulize

my chemical romance - i don't love you

an explanation

breathe out

the post just below this is from another site that i have recently started posting little tidbits on. lets just say, they made psycho angry!!!!!!

nebulize

gavin degraw - chariot

communism in winkie country

breathe in

so i settled it. and its done. officially i am an ass...unofficially i'm still an ass. but the whole wicked scandal really sums it up.

i'm just not "popular".

i wish i could "defy gravity".

breathe out

the strangest thing of all.... you can't pirate showtunes... interesting.....

nebulize

peeping tom - mojo (again i know)

bliss of another kind

breathe in

welcome back. almost three months since my last post. three months since things have been turned slightly around. things always come in threes.

breathe out

the world changes when you go away. i wasn't here. some pitiful creature that filled my shoes was here, singing the praises of domesticated fornication and false hope. there is a sinister nature present in the modern day relationship. it actually made me go back and want to be rose walker again. i wish i had multicolred hair and a calvin klein model in my recent past. i wish i was on a plane to the english moors in search of my prone mother and my even more crippled sister.

for a while i was happy. for a while there was a light in the world that shone brighter than my own vague fae spirit. but i wasn't ready for the world behind the mirror, the razorblades and the hooks that i had long ago pulled out of my calloused heels.

this time i'll take it slow. this time i'll dream first, then act later.

breathe in

i have written some pretty cool stuff in the past couple days. needs some editing. stay tuned.

oh. by the way.....


nebulize

lamb - wonder

the truth about bloody revenge

breathe in

i know its been a while. i know i have let all 3 of my magical constant readers down. i know that i should have fixed my computer a while ago. but now i have someone that will let me use theirs so i can cancel my internet service!!!!! i won't, but its a thought.

as some of you may have heard i am happily in a relationship, and no thats not why i haven't been posting. he is special and he gives me kisses and bitemarks. we're sorta retarded and gross actually.

breathe out

my newly reinforced interest in video games has gotten me to pay attention to what is happening in that world again. 500 for a ps3. unfortunately, i think not. maybe me and my monkey will get one together. and maybe i'll take out a loan so i can afford that and still eat.

nebulize

ani difranco - untouchable face

i gave the benefit of the doubt its true

breathe in

looking for a job is ever so tiresome. even more tiresome is the fact that you know that you are overqualified and people aren't hiring you because of that simple reason. and you don't have a degree in beer bongs... er... i mean business or psychology. i need to start my own business. i need to be the captain of my own destiny.

i need enough money for a pack of cigarettes.

i know that this has to end in the next week because if it doesn't i will have to slit my throat while my head is in my gas oven after i have taken a bottle of aspirin washed down by a bottle of mad dog laced with comet cleanser. knowing my luck they would all cancel each other out and i would end up with 3 million in medical bills. i have seen all these 'are you gay and do you masturbate' type posters for medical studies but they don't pay, they just give you free drugs and shit.... ah well life.

breathe out

its time to talk about celebrity and what makes a celebrity. i know its my massive obsession with television rearing its ugly head again but its been on my mind. is tawny kitaen still a celebrity? according to e! true hollywood story she is. is carey hart not that much of a celebrity? according to vh1's the surreal life he is. inked is by far my new favorite show, aside from my erotic obsession with tattoos, and i know that carey hart is sorta becoming like how tony hawk was to my youth, a sort of non-celeb legend that really is a celeb. would anybody be saying anything about tom cruise if he wasn't dating katie holmes but rather, some producer chick who at one time was behind the scenes of some show like cheers. probably not. i know celeb obsession is about living vicariously, but how much of it is just manufactured or trumped up reality we'll never know. personally i would like to hear a celeb come out with a step by step guide on how to take a shit without distressing your colon too much.

breathe in

kudos to sem.... talk to ya soon. and there is another ventilate on the way. now that i don't have to stream it and run i have been actually working on something much longer and comprehensive... stay tuned.

nebulize

poe - control