Wednesday, August 23, 2006

i only left scars on her bad side

breathe in

i'm bored. i feel like i have wasted the past 2 days. sure i've had fun. i've had a few dramatic and confusing things that have come sliding silently through me. other than that it's all been rather blase`. maybe that's why i haven't really written anything in the past week, becuase there hasn't been anything inspirational, everythings just been plain rational, and thats not fun.

and now i'm just writing this as an excuse to not do laundry.

breathe out

mark z. is coming out with a new book. i called the tattered cover and they should have copies on the release date. i haven't contacted barnes and noble yet. the book is called only revoloutions, with a website of the same name. looks just as fucked up fabulous as house of leaves so it will most likely be my obsession for the next six months after i get it.

nebulize

revoloutions of ruin - only revoloutions

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

rememberance

ventilate


First they had bound his hands with twine. It was rough and it was only a few hours before his wrists had begun to bleed from his struggles. The cloth they had put in his mouth had begun as white, but now was a mixed brown and yellow, the color of sweat and blood. He had lain prone in the damp concrete cell for what had seemed like an eternity, their voices echoing in the dark hallways as they discussed what to do with him, and where to put him when they were done. In his mind he catalogued their voices, memorizing each intonation, each slight variation in dialect and pitch. One of them lisped, each s and t melding, words sounding more choked on then spoken. He imagined a pock marked flunky, rags barely covering his shoulders, open sores on his arms and legs leaving a trail of mucus as he walked. There was a woman with them as well. She spoke eloquently occasionally, but mostly sounded as if she tried too hard. Her face was soft in his mind, hiding years of beatings just as the stolen Paige uniform covered the marks of the stun sticks which had burned her thighs. She had been the one to suggest they just let him go.

Footsteps rang out in the empty hall outside his cell. There was a whirr of machinery, the sound of a keypad being depressed, and then the door was open. A musty yellow light poured in obscuring the bulky shadow that loomed above him. He heard others in the hallway, waiting outside the door, and a voice in the distance. “Grab him. Make sure you don’t put your hands near his face.” It was the woman.

Firm hands picked him up. From all around there was the smell of sandalwood, of dragons breath, the type of smells that the groundlings used to cover up the muck of the sewage they were forced to bathe in. He was lifted, almost gently, over this giants shoulder his gut embraced by a well muscled arm. Now he could see there were six of them, three men and three women including the one that now held him. He would have had to stretch to see their faces, and that was still too painful due to the wound on his neck. To his right the woman addressed him.

“If you do not fight you may live to see another sunrise. I swear that on my father.”

The woman turned and briskly walked down the corridor, followed by the others, the giant bringing up the rear. Other cells lined the hallway, their doors a thick dull metal with a single opening near the bottom for food and other pleasantries. They passed one where he heard, between sobs, a child singing a song that he had heard only months ago when they had traveled through the Cormanian highlands. It was a nomad song called Mary Madonna. As they passed one of the procession in front of him banged on the door, the voice falling silent. That is the man with the lisp, he thought to himself. That is the man that said he wanted to see my insides.

They walked for quite a while, the corridors of the dark prison twisting and turning in on themselves. They are trying to confuse me, he thinks, trying to make sure I don’t know where I am when we get to wherever they are taking me. After a time he heard the sound of machinery in the distance, shouts behind that. They were close to a factory.

“Put him in there,” the woman barked.

The giant turned to an open doorway and casually threw him to the ground. When he landed he heard a crack from his hip, but he bit his tongue to ignore the pain. Before he had his bearings he heard the metallic slam of the door and footsteps in the corridor.

“Leave me for a moment, I want to address him alone.” More footsteps fading, the smell of a cigarette burning. “Are you hurt? He set you down pretty hard.” Her voice was different now, softer.

“I’m okay. Nothing the medicrats couldn’t fix in a few moments.” He rubbed his hip, and then realized his head was bleeding again, the wound from his capture reopened by the impact.

“Where is he Tethriel?” The voice not only sounded softer to him, it sounded familiar.

“Who are you?” Beads of sweat began to trickle down his brow. They had talked before they came to the city, made a promise that if they were captured that they were on their own. The image of Jason running as the mob carried him away, beaten and bruised, was still etched into his skull. Suddenly he was filled with contempt, the thought of that elegant bastard running through the dark alleys never to see him again sending him reeling.

“I’m a friend, Teth. I always have been. I’m not surprised you don’t recognize my voice, it has been a long time. What is it now, two, three worldsets? You were my favorite the last time, you know that right?” He could hear her smiling.

One beat. Images flashed behind his eyes, scenes of faces and people and places, ones he knew he hadn’t seen but yet were so familiar. He saw the rise and fall of a great city, a thousand years flash through in but an instant. He saw the knife.

“Does that help?” There’s the sound of a keypad, and the familiar whirr of gears.

Vyvyan smiles, the shotgun at her side touching her shins. And in one moment Tethriel remembers.

“It’s good to see you again, Vyv.” There is the sound of the twine on his wrists and legs ripping, the smell of oranges as the wounds on the back of his neck and his bruised body heal themselves. “What took you so long?”

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

three days

ventilate

The domes of the Equivicol shone brightly against the noonday light, a glimmering beacon of stability snuggled into the horizon between brothels and murder tents. From somewhere below were the chants of the Paige Guard as they ran their patrols, the sound of stun sticks and children echoing through the alleyways up to his open window.
It had been three days since he had arrived in West Adria. Three days since he had last seen Tethriel carried off by the Seeker mobs. He still wondered if even now the poor boy sat wasting in one of their cells, awaiting whatever tortures the masses have clung to in the face of the Magnates subjugation. The boy had been an asset, that was never in doubt. But he was a casualty that had been foreseen and almost welcomed as the last days had come ever closer. Better to perish now than to witness the horrors of the remaking of the world.
The small room was equipped only with the necessities, both governmental and personal. A bed, a table, one chair, and of course the prerequisite camera and vid feed. A reporter droned in the background, singing the glories of the Magnate and his recent administrative visit to the Cormanian Boundary to deal with the Nomad issue. The roar of the supplicant crowd almost completely drowned out the low howl of the incoming shells in the background. Somewhere overhead an airship announced another victory in Irktuska, the quiet calamity of the Magnate’s voice followed, thanking his constituents for the opportunity to serve them in this glorious cause.
He went back to the window and sat at the table, gazing at the dome, and the sea beyond. The night before he had ordered a bottle of spirits and had drank most of it. He poured the last draught in his glass and swallowed it in one drink. He wondered what she would think if she was here, if she could share in his liquid banquet of discontent. She would probably smile and finger the trigger of her gun, thinking fondly of the days gone by when they drank to celebrate, not to grieve. He felt the hilt of the knife to his side, concealed by a worn cotton cloth that hung from his waist. It wouldn’t surprise him if she were there somewhere, walking the alleys below, stalking him, waiting for him.
Loudly, the vid screen beeped, an incoming message already displaying on the silver-blue screen.
WE HAVE THE BOOK. IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME NOW. PROCEED AS INSTRUCTED. MORE TO FOLLOW.
Smiling, he set down the glass. At least Ariel was still alive, still wandering the wastes to the west. It had been two years since he had seen her face, these messages his only correspondence. No hello, no how’s it going, always the plan. She did tell in detail of her detainment in the northern tower about 4 months ago, told of Michael’s warning to him. That was the longest, still only about the length of a paragraph. Jonas was with her though, the witless fool. He wonders if Jonas still knows nothing of the plan, nothing of their true purpose. The knife whistled at his side, as if tuning in to his thoughts.
The bells of the Equivicol marked midday, the hollow sound bouncing off the arcology walls into his open window. Beyond the transparent wall another airship, one of the military cruisers, opened fire into the open sea causing a ripple of fire and smoke. From below the water a black shape emerged and the airship fired again, this time causing an explosion that eclipsed the black shape entirely, and then it was gone. The airship made an exaggerated figure eight and was joined by another before both flying off into the western sky.
Another victory for the Commonwealth. Another step on the road to the end.
He hadn’t packed that much, the sum of his belongings arranged neatly on the unused bed. A change of clothes, an automatic pistol, a black box to protect the ammunition, and a satchel overflowing with yellowing parchment. He walked to them now and gathered them up in the rust colored satchel that hung from his shoulder to his waist. In the corner of the room a rat smiled up at him before making its way under the pale green carpet to its fabulous subterranean home. There were still some creatures that thrived in this world, and that thought lingered in him as he opened the door to the fermented hallway that had welcomed him three days before. Three days from now the hallway would more than likely not be there anymore, and that thought, more than anything else, was the one that made him smile.

bliss of another kind

breathe in

welcome back. almost three months since my last post. three months since things have been turned slightly around. things always come in threes.

breathe out

the world changes when you go away. i wasn't here. some pitiful creature that filled my shoes was here, singing the praises of domesticated fornication and false hope. there is a sinister nature present in the modern day relationship. it actually made me go back and want to be rose walker again. i wish i had multicolred hair and a calvin klein model in my recent past. i wish i was on a plane to the english moors in search of my prone mother and my even more crippled sister.

for a while i was happy. for a while there was a light in the world that shone brighter than my own vague fae spirit. but i wasn't ready for the world behind the mirror, the razorblades and the hooks that i had long ago pulled out of my calloused heels.

this time i'll take it slow. this time i'll dream first, then act later.

breathe in

i have written some pretty cool stuff in the past couple days. needs some editing. stay tuned.

oh. by the way.....


nebulize

lamb - wonder

Monday, May 22, 2006

the truth about bloody revenge

breathe in

i know its been a while. i know i have let all 3 of my magical constant readers down. i know that i should have fixed my computer a while ago. but now i have someone that will let me use theirs so i can cancel my internet service!!!!! i won't, but its a thought.

as some of you may have heard i am happily in a relationship, and no thats not why i haven't been posting. he is special and he gives me kisses and bitemarks. we're sorta retarded and gross actually.

breathe out

my newly reinforced interest in video games has gotten me to pay attention to what is happening in that world again. 500 for a ps3. unfortunately, i think not. maybe me and my monkey will get one together. and maybe i'll take out a loan so i can afford that and still eat.

nebulize

ani difranco - untouchable face

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

i like pizza

breathe in

aa is good. aa keeps me happy.

aa is playing kingdom hearts right now behind me.

nebulize

the presets - are you the one?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

the bad habits of leprosy

breathe in

i shouldn't be awake right now... it took me 4 tries to write this so bear with me god awful humans

hojo.org is a bad place. go to portalofevil.com and read about it..

nebulize

scrood bi u - loa

Sunday, February 05, 2006

eyes on the balcony

breathe in

i write stories. it's what i do. i spin a yarn about this boy and this cock and who had whose mouth on his whatsit and all the other juicy details. let's tell a true story.

right now i just feel alone.

and thats the truth. choo choo.

nebulize

joan osbourne - ladder

Friday, February 03, 2006

and there is sweet pain

breathe in

it comes in waves. this little bit of autobiographical stuff. it comes and i exaggerate.

it comes.

nebulize

bt- dark heart dawning

Thursday, February 02, 2006

the best of friends lie dormant... and then lie some more

breathe in

love is a complicated monster. i say monster not because i'm afraid of love, not because i shun love, but because i don't truly understand love. i come to realise that because of love i have become frightened and sheltered and that i cower in corners waiting the next unexpected turn, waiting for the next scare. i say monster because it is the fear that i understand, its the horrible fear that i accept.

i don't like it when my friends are in love.

i doubt it. i get jealous. i get mad.

as c would say... this is something that could be grand, but i don't have the patience or the motive to go any further. i'm just a little intimidated.

breathe out

it's fun to believe. its fun to pretend. its fun to go out and get blitzed.

nebulize

tori - famous blue raincoat

Monday, January 30, 2006

i ate her calf muscle and all i got was a blood bourne disease

breathe in

i think that i've said this before, but i will say it again. i wouldn't have a job without the existence of stupid people. of course at the same time, a lot of stupid people wouldn't have jobs if it wasn't for the low expectations and the merciless bottom line of employers like mine.

i never said what i did was lofty and/or intellectual.

breathe out

i find myself all kinds of interested in this show on cannibalism on the history channel right now. and right before i was watching the musical version of reefer madness.

coincidence? i think not.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

skin scarred and sweetly singing sin

breathe in

there was this t shirt i always wanted to buy. it had the profile of some dude with liberty spikes and underneath it said 'i used to be punk once'. i really liked it, should have gotten it. but no i had to get the bugfucker shirt, or the other one that said satan instead of pepsi. or even that ghastly afro shirt that i never even put on once.
an old friend told me a while back that i'll always be punk, because punk doesn't mean having leopard spots in your hair or wearing a dog collar, it doesn't mean listening to tdk or tlpd, it means denial of conformist reality, it means a slighty skewered kaleidescopic paradigm shift.
it means i never really had to have liberty spikes.
case and point, some homo wanna be a the off key bar singing beasties with liberty spikes is not punk. he probably played football in high school.

breathe out

i came within 10 feet of a police officer tonight. it made my stomach churn.

nebulize

garbage - the boys wanna fight

*sigh*

Saturday, January 14, 2006

life and death on the seventh cornice


breathe in

i think when i have a pic post, cause i can do that now, i'll follow my theme by having it be a sigh.

like *sigh*

so....

*sigh*

fraud and the upside down benefits

breathe in

i've decided that it doesn't really pay to bitch about work. sure, to most of us work is the thing that keeps our belly's full and our mouths full of vodka, but after you put in your 8 hours or so it should be the end. so then why do i go out with work friends and proceed to talk about work for about 13 drinks? it just doesn't make sense. of course, nothing good ever comes of getting that drunk with work friends. somehow somebody's mouth ends up where it shouldn't, or a hand or some other body part i don't even know the name for.

so i won't talk about work. although lately going out has been a lot of work.

breathe out

i find that since i got out of my last situation that there is a myriad of others that seem to be lying at my feet waiting to be picked up. its too easy to fall into addiction, avarice, sloth and any number of mortal sins after your soul has been wiped clean by late night contemplation and riding the bus with winos at midnight. sure, my purity hasn't returned, although i have thought about getting that surgery that will replace your hymen, but i feel and have felt for the past few weeks that in a sense i have been cleansed. now i just need to clean my room and we'll be golden baby.

breathe in

i need to go see a concert. live music. something. anyone know of something hot to do next friday night let me know.

nebulize

garbage - metal heart

Saturday, January 07, 2006

straight, never forward

breathe in

its been a while friends. i can be shy if i want to. i miss you all. and short sentances usually hide the truth so its all fun.

i need to bite my tongue every time he talks about rent. you know who. that jobless thing that doesn't realize that i've paid good money to live here. that thing that makes me cringe.

WHO ARE YOU????

its alright really. i just smile and nod and hope that the next life is better than this. hope that maybe one day i fall and no one catches me and sweet oblivion gives me a kiss and a hug and says its gonna be ok...

breathe out

tequila mockingbird has the best les singer in 8 million years. its true... thirty helens agree.

nebulize

my chemical romance - helena

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

thirty and four

ventilate

'i assure you, sir, the offices are quite busy this season, as you may well assume. the presence may not be available for weeks, even months.' the paige's voice trembled as he spoke, the wavering sounds echoed by clumsy footsteps on ages old brittle tile. ' i have strict orders, sir, i hope you know. i - i can't let you pass without the proper paperwork.'

jason paid the boy no mind, his sights instead favoring the ornately carved golden doors at the end of the immense seeming hallway. the enormity of the gallery, as is every other in the labyrinthine passages of the complex, was an illusion laid out by some long forgotten architect, buried by centuries and holy conspiracy. in actuality, it was a mere hundred steps, maybe less. the distance, and the appearance thereof, were not important. in this world the numbers and meters of men were as uncertain as mortality, as irregular as the far-flung home of a spattered drop of blood. time had taken its rightful throne over the rebellious nature of space and under its rule all the integral constants had become warped and malleable. and then there was the deception, and inherent inaction, that the grigori had propogated, but that is another story.

the paige, nevertheless, musters the last of his loyalty and steps in front a mere ten paces away from the door. 'i am afraid, sir, that this as far as you shall go.' from his right side, jason draws something that could be a blade, a revolver or even a stun stick. to a killers eye it could be many different things, but in truth the end result is all that really matters.

there was a flash of light, a smell of lillies, then nothing. as the body sank to the floor the paige let out one last sigh, as if contented by a tall glass of water, and then was blissfully silent.

jason opened the doors.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

and then there is me

breathe in

and then there is me. something small and something glorious. but it's still just me.


happiness to those that find it and unhappiness to those that don't.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

venomous diamonds

ventilate

they heard the train in the distance, smelled the toxicity of its smoke, felt the rumble of steel against steele against wind shaking their knees. there was a fog, that morning fog that makes your stomach do loops in anticipation of the light that dispels, the light that heals. a midmorning fog, like liquid diamonds, a hazy crystalline rainbow of color and shadow. and behind the lingering voices of the arcology, the merchants, prophets and militants that trailed them, and eventually pursued them.

jonas stopped.

to my kind reader, i note this occasion. there are moments that shine like blazing beacons in the empty hallways of history, that live on in the collective memory in the form of legend and myth. some sing songs of deeds so gallant, or so heinous. those moments creep into the deepest dreams of sweet lovers lost, or conversely into the thousand blackened fangs of the darkest terror. they become spoken word handed down attached to names of power like achilles or tepes. somehow the overwhelming glory of that moment, that place, touches upon all moments, all places, and rings through the spaces between, a sort of subtle vibration between worlds. felt by all and recognized by few.

there was a mark made when jonas spoke that day. the others stopped and hearing this cocked their heads as a dog to the sounds of the dead. as he spoke his eyes shone like polished glass, reflective yet revealing.

i could repeat the words, but their power would be lost, the occasion rent asunder by grammar and assumption. to some they were beautiful, and will be found in gospels and hymns after the stigma of his deed comes to pass.

but as he spoke, from somewhere above them a sound like a horn blew through the horizon. around them the trembling earth began to lose solidarity. a rumble, the approach of a train. Ariel clung to Tethriel, her head rested on his shoulder in a pose of comfort and fear, a rampart against the gale force of what was to come. the others huddled frightened, awed and terrified by the gravity of the word, and of the forces that consumed them.

"a wise leader said once that when you are suffering, know that i have betrayed you. i don't think that's half wrong." his face contorted then into an almost scowl, the words seeming a pain to say.

that's when judith ran, and, at that moment, jonas went quite mad.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

dreams of a lonely man

ventilate

this tower is falling...

i hear the eaves breaking down, pillars and foundations floundering. of course, its nothing really. nothing really happens. like michael tells me it's all in my head. imagination. fantasy.

then there is a groan, a sigh of wood and steele. it is a hollow sound, layered with the stress of the centuries, a transition of light and pain. It is a quiet thing.

She told me yesterday that she didn't need me.

It was a cold night and we, staring at the sunst somewhere over that Cormanian boundary, were discussing today, tomorrow, time and its final designations. There was such force behind the words, the tails of g's and the dots on j's stinging my cheeks, x's leaving red brands on my chest, a v imprinted on my heart. her name isn't even lettered that way. i tried to fend them off with b's and d's and so much to divert the blows that the curves of s's couldn't stop, only to leave a black and broken husk, only a pile of worthless e's comfort in the storm.

*dcj*

Monday, December 19, 2005

return to reality

breathe in

so, as some of you may know thanks to a certain jackass among other things, i have been away for a while. it wasn't pleasant. it wasn't nice. but i'm alive and that's what counts. there are so many times that i wish that i could have done a little update, but it just wasn't that convenient considering the situation. i'm not going to give it all away right now, i'll leave those of you that don't know in the dark a bit longer. suffice it to say that it's good to be home, although there are a few things that need to be said.

breathe out

i have been home for three days. three days and i still walk around like i am a guest. today i finally said fuck it and set up camp in the living room and i've been fucking around on the computer just for shits. sure s doesn't care, the other one might, and the other one doesn't really matter since he hasn't paid rent in 2 months. that's right folks, i've been paying double rent due to my unique situation for the past 77 days and lazy fuck has been using my net connection, my food and my house to lounge around for a free ride. sure i was a lowlife unemployed sap for 4 months myself, but i made sure rent was paid. so someone is going to have to die. that's all there is to it.

breathe in

i have bunches of new fiction that should be coming soon, probably tomorrow night will be at least the first installment, and i'll also give you my first installment of my new ten part series. i'm not ready i guess to talk about the last 3 months, so those of you not in the know will just have to wait.

nebulize

prodigy - spitfire