Thursday, October 12, 2006

fighting with shards of glass

breathe in

i heard a great concept on, of all places, ellen. yes i know that makes me even more gay than i care to admit, but damn that show is great. anyway. they were talking about things that you want to do in life. about goals. about doing things that you have always dreamed. one woman, a very intelligent and thought provoking woman, said that the first thing that she wanted to accomplish was to learn how to say no.

now we aren't talking about nancy reagan and tipper gore. we are talking about a normal no. the power to say no when someone asks you to, lets say, lend them 5 dollars when you don't have it, but you know they need it. to say no when you really mean it, when you really want to, and not feel guilty for refusing to do a good deed when in truth it may in fact hurt you or the person asking for the favor.

i said no tonight to going out to the bar, and my phone has not stopped ringing.

the gay movement complains that the general public sees us as sinners, as drunks, as addicts, but when i think of the peer pressure and the lifestyle that a large segment of the gay population lives, i have to agree. now, i know that i'm prone to self loathing, but i don't want to include myself in that group. i want to be an individual. i don't want to live at the bar.

the other day i was picked up at 10am to go to a bar when i really didn't want to go, when i honestly had better things to do. i went. i couldn't say no. but it made me reflect. do i want to end up one of these people. do i want to end up at the neighborhood tavern on any free day i have, getting shitfaced before half the world has had their first coffee break. i've honestly been there, and all it is is depressing.

breathe out

i need to start doing 'other' things. maybe i will start chatting online again, or maybe i'll do something else.

anyone want to be my personal trainer.

nebulize

conjure one - extraordinary ways

Sunday, October 08, 2006

proud to be without a color

breathe in

all over the news, all over the television, all over the streets, all i saw was pink. pink scarves, pink shirts, pink socks, pink wigs. and gay pride was months ago.

today was the race for the cure here in the mile high city, a festival of estrogen and self-appreciation for a select community of the downtrodden similar in celebration to the cinco de mayo festival, oktoberfest, the american idol tryouts, and, dare i say, gay pride. when a group of people, no matter how good their intentions, choose to market themselves as icons of supreme do-good-ness, somehow it just seems to sicken and sadden me.

yes, breast cancer is a horrible and fucked up thing, ruining families, communities, and individual lives to boot. we all understand that. and yes, we know that it's a battle best fought with donations and fund raisers, such as the traffic stopping fuck up i saw today. i guess what really gets me are just a few things. where was the non-stop local coverage of aidswalk? where were the legions of reporters at the pride festival? where was the coverage for the stem cell rally at the capital a few weeks ago? where, in fact, is the testicular cancer walk, or the prostate cancer walk, or the 'there are 14 homeless people dying if not dead under any random viaduct next to the platte river' walk. what it all amounts to, to me, is just a bunch of over-educated and boastful career housewives striving desperately to show that somehow in the big scheme of things that they make a difference.

and it pisses me off.

i recognize that breast cancer is a horrible terrible fucked up thing, but i also realize that most of these people are people that are well off enough to pay for their treatments, for their diagnosis, when i have know people with hep c to quietly rot in the alley because of unpaid medical bills.

if everyone that walked today walked up to their nearest shelter, their nearest blood bank, their nearest homeless center, maybe then i would think better of this.

of course this comes from me, who doesn't do anything. at least i don't pretend i'm good. after all evil people usually are just ineffectual and harmless. and i intend to stay that way.

breathe out

i should start doing this more again... makes me feel better.... now i'm ready to tie one on... muhahaha...

nebulize

skunk anansie - glorious pop song

Monday, September 11, 2006

there are fields of fire behind your eyes

breathe in

i have seen a lot today. i have seen the past 5 years summed up in 2 minutes of video. rather than rehash things that have been repeated thousands of times, i have found a couple of things that give a different perspective.

first: the end



second: the paradigm

"Self-reinforcing cycles are engines of change, for better or worse. They get more and more extreme, until either some new constraint enters to impose a new equilibrium, or they crash. Hurricanes suck up energy from the heat in the sea, and grow bigger, sucking more energy, which makes them bigger still, until they hit land and blow themselves out. Addicts keep taking more of what they’re addicted to, until they hit bottom, whether the addiction is to alcohol or heroin or military intervention.

This quality of systems does not bode well—either for the children of Beirut or those of Haifa. Europe and the UN might make some weak attempts to intervene, but as long as the U.S. is cheering the Israeli government on, no serious constraints will be imposed. And why shouldn’t we cheer them on, when Israel’s addiction to force as a solution is the mirror of ours? We’re the big guy and the small guy, standing each other drinks at the pub and throwing the chairs at anyone who threatens us, until we smash the place.

It is this very self-reinforcing cycle that keeps power in the hands of the neo-cons, whose answer to every fear and insecurity is more force. Force which creates more fear, which generates more violence, which requires more force to keep down. It’s an inherent aspect of being caught in this sort of system that as it begins to spiral out of control, and starts to break apart, the only solution you can see is more of the same. An alcoholic gets fired for drinking on the job, and drinks more to forget. Iraq is not working out well for Bush and the neocons, so bring in more troops, or expand the war—Lebanon, Syria, Iran.

You can’t change a self-reinforcing system by changing amounts. Recovering alcoholics know this, generals and politicians don’t. Try to limit yourself to one drink before dinner, and somehow you still end up behind the wheel of the car that careens into the bus full of schoolchildren on the road. Tell yourself that you are using a measured, limited response for well-thought out political aims, and you still end up with blackened torsos and the severed limbs of infants in smoking piles on the motorway.

Here’s some other things we know about these cycles—they are expensive. They consume resources. Drinking up the children’s milk money down at the local. Starving every social program to fund our military. And when they crash, they often fall hardest on the undeserving. The drunk behind the wheel rolls out of the crushed car, unharmed, while the family of five lies dead. The policy makers are not cringing in tenements as bombs fall, or crying over the bleeding body of their most beloved child. Nor are most of those who support the policies. Yet.

To change the system, you need to change the paradigm, the way you frame the situation and think about it, the deep assumptions that shape your viewpoint. That’s Donella Meadows’ most effective way to intervene—changing the world view and the constructs that support the system. It’s also, generally, a hard and painful process. A new paradigm, a new construct of self and world, goes against everything we know and believe. If I’m telling myself that I’m a fun-loving, party kind of a gal—how painful to instead admit that I’m an alcoholic! If I’m justifying the deaths of children by telling myself that I’m bringing democracy to the region, or safeguarding my sister’s children in Hadera, or fulfilling God’s plan, how painful to look at the broken bodies on the pavement and say, “I did that. I have blood on my hands.”"

read the full article here

some of you may think that my posting of dr. strangelove is a dark attempt at comedy, but i post this in all seriousness. this is the place where we are heading, this is the road that the construct has led us down. i have been immersing myself in my own dark world, my post apocalyptic vision of a world in an endless spiral of rage and pain and hope, with heroes that aren't quite heroes and villians that have reasons to act on their rage. and i now see that all i write comes from the headlines, all i dream acts out on the stage of my mind as a revival of the stage of the world.

my darkness doesn't come from an angsty childhood or repressed desires. my darkness comes from the world without, from the lips of a puppet president, from the eyes of a dying infant, from the bodies of the countless dead. the death of this world has infected our hearts, maybe mine moreso.

i hope the next world is better.

breathe out

darkness in your breath old monkey... darkness in your breath

nebulize

requiem for a dream

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

three days of smiling silence

breathe in

it's already fucking september. another year has flown by and nothing has changed. i had my spring romance. i had my summer fling. i lost a friend. i gained a few pounds.

last year at this time were the last days of disco, albeit in my mind everything was ok. everything changed the last week of september last year, and i should have used that opportunity to improve myself, to improve others. but i didn't. i went back in to the same routine of deception and degeneration.

at least my pants still fit.

breathe out

as quoted from podiatry.com:

'Prevention is the best defense against gout. Medication (e.g., small doses of NSAIDs, colchicine, allopurinol [Zyloprim®], probenecid) may prevent continued accumulation of uric acid in the joints and further attacks. Avoiding alcohol and rich foods that are high in purine (e.g., scallops, sardines, red meat, sweetbreads, gravy, cream sauces) also may help to prevent the condition.'

no i don't have the gout. but i know someone who does.

everywhere i go i see a cycle of alcohol and alcoholism, of lies and lethargy. i guess half of the disease is motivated by fear. the other half, in my mind, is motivated by sloth. i do believe it's a disease, i don't believe that it's incurable. the cure, in my mind, is support, is creating a better self image, is to shift your priorities to something other than where your next drink is coming from. you don't need aa to do it. you don't need a therapist to do it. you need a realization that you are responsible for your own actions, and you need to admit that you have a problem.

sounds a little preachy, huh?

now if i could only say it, and if others would back me up.

nebulize

tori - hotel

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

crawling through tight windowells

breathe in

i have never quite been good at this. i had a friend recently who has expressed the same feelings that i feel right now, and i made fun of him. it is still sorta strange.

but i can tell you now, there is such a thing as a relationship without sex.

breathe out

i get good gut feelings about things. if law enforcement would have listened to me 10 years ago this whole jon-benet thing would have been solved. look to an old man who crashed their party a few nights before. look to fingerprints on the 2nd floor. ask this creepy karr guy where he got all his super top secret info from. oh and someone has a guilty conscience, look for an unsolved murder in montana and then karr will go to jail.

maybe i should start putting all my predictions on here. that would be cool

Sunday, August 27, 2006

justifiction of self

breathe in

no one told me that life would be so much like high school.

nebulize

i'm not okay - my chemical romance

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

randomness and idiocy


i only left scars on her bad side

breathe in

i'm bored. i feel like i have wasted the past 2 days. sure i've had fun. i've had a few dramatic and confusing things that have come sliding silently through me. other than that it's all been rather blase`. maybe that's why i haven't really written anything in the past week, becuase there hasn't been anything inspirational, everythings just been plain rational, and thats not fun.

and now i'm just writing this as an excuse to not do laundry.

breathe out

mark z. is coming out with a new book. i called the tattered cover and they should have copies on the release date. i haven't contacted barnes and noble yet. the book is called only revoloutions, with a website of the same name. looks just as fucked up fabulous as house of leaves so it will most likely be my obsession for the next six months after i get it.

nebulize

revoloutions of ruin - only revoloutions

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

rememberance

ventilate


First they had bound his hands with twine. It was rough and it was only a few hours before his wrists had begun to bleed from his struggles. The cloth they had put in his mouth had begun as white, but now was a mixed brown and yellow, the color of sweat and blood. He had lain prone in the damp concrete cell for what had seemed like an eternity, their voices echoing in the dark hallways as they discussed what to do with him, and where to put him when they were done. In his mind he catalogued their voices, memorizing each intonation, each slight variation in dialect and pitch. One of them lisped, each s and t melding, words sounding more choked on then spoken. He imagined a pock marked flunky, rags barely covering his shoulders, open sores on his arms and legs leaving a trail of mucus as he walked. There was a woman with them as well. She spoke eloquently occasionally, but mostly sounded as if she tried too hard. Her face was soft in his mind, hiding years of beatings just as the stolen Paige uniform covered the marks of the stun sticks which had burned her thighs. She had been the one to suggest they just let him go.

Footsteps rang out in the empty hall outside his cell. There was a whirr of machinery, the sound of a keypad being depressed, and then the door was open. A musty yellow light poured in obscuring the bulky shadow that loomed above him. He heard others in the hallway, waiting outside the door, and a voice in the distance. “Grab him. Make sure you don’t put your hands near his face.” It was the woman.

Firm hands picked him up. From all around there was the smell of sandalwood, of dragons breath, the type of smells that the groundlings used to cover up the muck of the sewage they were forced to bathe in. He was lifted, almost gently, over this giants shoulder his gut embraced by a well muscled arm. Now he could see there were six of them, three men and three women including the one that now held him. He would have had to stretch to see their faces, and that was still too painful due to the wound on his neck. To his right the woman addressed him.

“If you do not fight you may live to see another sunrise. I swear that on my father.”

The woman turned and briskly walked down the corridor, followed by the others, the giant bringing up the rear. Other cells lined the hallway, their doors a thick dull metal with a single opening near the bottom for food and other pleasantries. They passed one where he heard, between sobs, a child singing a song that he had heard only months ago when they had traveled through the Cormanian highlands. It was a nomad song called Mary Madonna. As they passed one of the procession in front of him banged on the door, the voice falling silent. That is the man with the lisp, he thought to himself. That is the man that said he wanted to see my insides.

They walked for quite a while, the corridors of the dark prison twisting and turning in on themselves. They are trying to confuse me, he thinks, trying to make sure I don’t know where I am when we get to wherever they are taking me. After a time he heard the sound of machinery in the distance, shouts behind that. They were close to a factory.

“Put him in there,” the woman barked.

The giant turned to an open doorway and casually threw him to the ground. When he landed he heard a crack from his hip, but he bit his tongue to ignore the pain. Before he had his bearings he heard the metallic slam of the door and footsteps in the corridor.

“Leave me for a moment, I want to address him alone.” More footsteps fading, the smell of a cigarette burning. “Are you hurt? He set you down pretty hard.” Her voice was different now, softer.

“I’m okay. Nothing the medicrats couldn’t fix in a few moments.” He rubbed his hip, and then realized his head was bleeding again, the wound from his capture reopened by the impact.

“Where is he Tethriel?” The voice not only sounded softer to him, it sounded familiar.

“Who are you?” Beads of sweat began to trickle down his brow. They had talked before they came to the city, made a promise that if they were captured that they were on their own. The image of Jason running as the mob carried him away, beaten and bruised, was still etched into his skull. Suddenly he was filled with contempt, the thought of that elegant bastard running through the dark alleys never to see him again sending him reeling.

“I’m a friend, Teth. I always have been. I’m not surprised you don’t recognize my voice, it has been a long time. What is it now, two, three worldsets? You were my favorite the last time, you know that right?” He could hear her smiling.

One beat. Images flashed behind his eyes, scenes of faces and people and places, ones he knew he hadn’t seen but yet were so familiar. He saw the rise and fall of a great city, a thousand years flash through in but an instant. He saw the knife.

“Does that help?” There’s the sound of a keypad, and the familiar whirr of gears.

Vyvyan smiles, the shotgun at her side touching her shins. And in one moment Tethriel remembers.

“It’s good to see you again, Vyv.” There is the sound of the twine on his wrists and legs ripping, the smell of oranges as the wounds on the back of his neck and his bruised body heal themselves. “What took you so long?”

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

three days

ventilate

The domes of the Equivicol shone brightly against the noonday light, a glimmering beacon of stability snuggled into the horizon between brothels and murder tents. From somewhere below were the chants of the Paige Guard as they ran their patrols, the sound of stun sticks and children echoing through the alleyways up to his open window.
It had been three days since he had arrived in West Adria. Three days since he had last seen Tethriel carried off by the Seeker mobs. He still wondered if even now the poor boy sat wasting in one of their cells, awaiting whatever tortures the masses have clung to in the face of the Magnates subjugation. The boy had been an asset, that was never in doubt. But he was a casualty that had been foreseen and almost welcomed as the last days had come ever closer. Better to perish now than to witness the horrors of the remaking of the world.
The small room was equipped only with the necessities, both governmental and personal. A bed, a table, one chair, and of course the prerequisite camera and vid feed. A reporter droned in the background, singing the glories of the Magnate and his recent administrative visit to the Cormanian Boundary to deal with the Nomad issue. The roar of the supplicant crowd almost completely drowned out the low howl of the incoming shells in the background. Somewhere overhead an airship announced another victory in Irktuska, the quiet calamity of the Magnate’s voice followed, thanking his constituents for the opportunity to serve them in this glorious cause.
He went back to the window and sat at the table, gazing at the dome, and the sea beyond. The night before he had ordered a bottle of spirits and had drank most of it. He poured the last draught in his glass and swallowed it in one drink. He wondered what she would think if she was here, if she could share in his liquid banquet of discontent. She would probably smile and finger the trigger of her gun, thinking fondly of the days gone by when they drank to celebrate, not to grieve. He felt the hilt of the knife to his side, concealed by a worn cotton cloth that hung from his waist. It wouldn’t surprise him if she were there somewhere, walking the alleys below, stalking him, waiting for him.
Loudly, the vid screen beeped, an incoming message already displaying on the silver-blue screen.
WE HAVE THE BOOK. IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME NOW. PROCEED AS INSTRUCTED. MORE TO FOLLOW.
Smiling, he set down the glass. At least Ariel was still alive, still wandering the wastes to the west. It had been two years since he had seen her face, these messages his only correspondence. No hello, no how’s it going, always the plan. She did tell in detail of her detainment in the northern tower about 4 months ago, told of Michael’s warning to him. That was the longest, still only about the length of a paragraph. Jonas was with her though, the witless fool. He wonders if Jonas still knows nothing of the plan, nothing of their true purpose. The knife whistled at his side, as if tuning in to his thoughts.
The bells of the Equivicol marked midday, the hollow sound bouncing off the arcology walls into his open window. Beyond the transparent wall another airship, one of the military cruisers, opened fire into the open sea causing a ripple of fire and smoke. From below the water a black shape emerged and the airship fired again, this time causing an explosion that eclipsed the black shape entirely, and then it was gone. The airship made an exaggerated figure eight and was joined by another before both flying off into the western sky.
Another victory for the Commonwealth. Another step on the road to the end.
He hadn’t packed that much, the sum of his belongings arranged neatly on the unused bed. A change of clothes, an automatic pistol, a black box to protect the ammunition, and a satchel overflowing with yellowing parchment. He walked to them now and gathered them up in the rust colored satchel that hung from his shoulder to his waist. In the corner of the room a rat smiled up at him before making its way under the pale green carpet to its fabulous subterranean home. There were still some creatures that thrived in this world, and that thought lingered in him as he opened the door to the fermented hallway that had welcomed him three days before. Three days from now the hallway would more than likely not be there anymore, and that thought, more than anything else, was the one that made him smile.

bliss of another kind

breathe in

welcome back. almost three months since my last post. three months since things have been turned slightly around. things always come in threes.

breathe out

the world changes when you go away. i wasn't here. some pitiful creature that filled my shoes was here, singing the praises of domesticated fornication and false hope. there is a sinister nature present in the modern day relationship. it actually made me go back and want to be rose walker again. i wish i had multicolred hair and a calvin klein model in my recent past. i wish i was on a plane to the english moors in search of my prone mother and my even more crippled sister.

for a while i was happy. for a while there was a light in the world that shone brighter than my own vague fae spirit. but i wasn't ready for the world behind the mirror, the razorblades and the hooks that i had long ago pulled out of my calloused heels.

this time i'll take it slow. this time i'll dream first, then act later.

breathe in

i have written some pretty cool stuff in the past couple days. needs some editing. stay tuned.

oh. by the way.....


nebulize

lamb - wonder

Monday, May 22, 2006

the truth about bloody revenge

breathe in

i know its been a while. i know i have let all 3 of my magical constant readers down. i know that i should have fixed my computer a while ago. but now i have someone that will let me use theirs so i can cancel my internet service!!!!! i won't, but its a thought.

as some of you may have heard i am happily in a relationship, and no thats not why i haven't been posting. he is special and he gives me kisses and bitemarks. we're sorta retarded and gross actually.

breathe out

my newly reinforced interest in video games has gotten me to pay attention to what is happening in that world again. 500 for a ps3. unfortunately, i think not. maybe me and my monkey will get one together. and maybe i'll take out a loan so i can afford that and still eat.

nebulize

ani difranco - untouchable face

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

i like pizza

breathe in

aa is good. aa keeps me happy.

aa is playing kingdom hearts right now behind me.

nebulize

the presets - are you the one?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

the bad habits of leprosy

breathe in

i shouldn't be awake right now... it took me 4 tries to write this so bear with me god awful humans

hojo.org is a bad place. go to portalofevil.com and read about it..

nebulize

scrood bi u - loa

Sunday, February 05, 2006

eyes on the balcony

breathe in

i write stories. it's what i do. i spin a yarn about this boy and this cock and who had whose mouth on his whatsit and all the other juicy details. let's tell a true story.

right now i just feel alone.

and thats the truth. choo choo.

nebulize

joan osbourne - ladder

Friday, February 03, 2006

and there is sweet pain

breathe in

it comes in waves. this little bit of autobiographical stuff. it comes and i exaggerate.

it comes.

nebulize

bt- dark heart dawning

Thursday, February 02, 2006

the best of friends lie dormant... and then lie some more

breathe in

love is a complicated monster. i say monster not because i'm afraid of love, not because i shun love, but because i don't truly understand love. i come to realise that because of love i have become frightened and sheltered and that i cower in corners waiting the next unexpected turn, waiting for the next scare. i say monster because it is the fear that i understand, its the horrible fear that i accept.

i don't like it when my friends are in love.

i doubt it. i get jealous. i get mad.

as c would say... this is something that could be grand, but i don't have the patience or the motive to go any further. i'm just a little intimidated.

breathe out

it's fun to believe. its fun to pretend. its fun to go out and get blitzed.

nebulize

tori - famous blue raincoat

Monday, January 30, 2006

i ate her calf muscle and all i got was a blood bourne disease

breathe in

i think that i've said this before, but i will say it again. i wouldn't have a job without the existence of stupid people. of course at the same time, a lot of stupid people wouldn't have jobs if it wasn't for the low expectations and the merciless bottom line of employers like mine.

i never said what i did was lofty and/or intellectual.

breathe out

i find myself all kinds of interested in this show on cannibalism on the history channel right now. and right before i was watching the musical version of reefer madness.

coincidence? i think not.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

skin scarred and sweetly singing sin

breathe in

there was this t shirt i always wanted to buy. it had the profile of some dude with liberty spikes and underneath it said 'i used to be punk once'. i really liked it, should have gotten it. but no i had to get the bugfucker shirt, or the other one that said satan instead of pepsi. or even that ghastly afro shirt that i never even put on once.
an old friend told me a while back that i'll always be punk, because punk doesn't mean having leopard spots in your hair or wearing a dog collar, it doesn't mean listening to tdk or tlpd, it means denial of conformist reality, it means a slighty skewered kaleidescopic paradigm shift.
it means i never really had to have liberty spikes.
case and point, some homo wanna be a the off key bar singing beasties with liberty spikes is not punk. he probably played football in high school.

breathe out

i came within 10 feet of a police officer tonight. it made my stomach churn.

nebulize

garbage - the boys wanna fight

*sigh*

Saturday, January 14, 2006

life and death on the seventh cornice


breathe in

i think when i have a pic post, cause i can do that now, i'll follow my theme by having it be a sigh.

like *sigh*

so....

*sigh*